Hello, everyone! This is the LONGEST TEXT EVER! I was inspired by the various other "longest texts ever" on the internet, and I wanted to make my own. So here it is! This is going to be a WORLD RECORD! This is actually my third attempt at doing this. The first time, I didn't save it. The second time, the Neocities editor crashed. Now I'm writing this in Notepad, then copying it into the Neocities editor instead of typing it directly in the Neocities editor to avoid crashing. It sucks that my past two attempts are gone now. Those actually got pretty long. Not the longest, but still pretty long. I hope this one won't get lost somehow. Anyways, let's talk about WAFFLES! I like waffles. Waffles are cool. Waffles is a funny word. There's a Teen Titans Go episode called "Waffles" where the word "Waffles" is said a hundred-something times. It's pretty annoying. There's also a Teen Titans Go episode about Pig Latin. Don't know what Pig Latin is? It's a language where you take all the consonants before the first vowel, move them to the end, and add '-ay' to the end. If the word begins with a vowel, you just add '-way' to the end. For example, "Waffles" becomes "Afflesway". I've been speaking Pig Latin fluently since the fourth grade, so it surprised me when I saw the episode for the first time. I speak Pig Latin with my sister sometimes. It's pretty fun. I like speaking it in public so that everyone around us gets confused. That's never actually happened before, but if it ever does, 'twill be pretty funny. By the way, "'twill" is a word I invented recently, and it's a contraction of "it will". I really hope it gains popularity in the near future, because "'twill" is WAY more fun than saying "it'll". "It'll" is too boring. Nobody likes boring. This is nowhere near being the longest text ever, but eventually it will be! I might still be writing this a decade later, who knows? But right now, it's not very long. But I'll just keep writing until it is the longest! Have you ever heard the song "Dau Dau" by Awesome Scampis? It's an amazing song. Look it up on YouTube! I play that song all the time around my sister! It drives her crazy, and I love it. Another way I like driving my sister crazy is by speaking my own made up language to her. She hates the languages I make! The only language that we both speak besides English is Pig Latin. I think you already knew that. Whatever. I think I'm gonna go for now. Bye! Hi, I'm back now. I'm gonna contribute more to this soon-to-be giant wall of text. I just realised I have a giant stuffed frog on my bed. I forgot his name. I'm pretty sure it was something stupid though. I think it was "FROG" in Morse Code or something. Morse Code is cool. I know a bit of it, but I'm not very good at it. I'm also not very good at French. I barely know anything in French, and my pronunciation probably sucks. But I'm learning it, at least. I'm also learning Esperanto. It's this language that was made up by some guy a long time ago to be the "universal language". A lot of people speak it. I am such a language nerd. Half of this text is probably gonna be about languages. But hey, as long as it's long! Ha, get it? As LONG as it's LONG? I'm so funny, right? No, I'm not. I should probably get some sleep. Goodnight! Hello, I'm back again. I basically have only two interests nowadays: languages and furries. What? Oh, sorry, I thought you knew I was a furry. Haha, oops. Anyway, yeah, I'm a furry, but since I'm a young furry, I can't really do as much as I would like to do in the fandom. When I'm older, I would like to have a fursuit, go to furry conventions, all that stuff. But for now I can only dream of that. Sorry you had to deal with me talking about furries, but I'm honestly very desperate for this to be the longest text ever. Last night I was watching nothing but fursuit unboxings. I think I need help. This one time, me and my mom were going to go to a furry Christmas party, but we didn't end up going because of the fact that there was alcohol on the premises, and that she didn't wanna have to be a mom dragging her son through a crowd of furries. Both of those reasons were understandable. Okay, hopefully I won't have to talk about furries anymore. I don't care if you're a furry reading this right now, I just don't wanna have to torture everyone else. I will no longer say the F word throughout the rest of this entire text. Of course, by the F word, I mean the one that I just used six times, not the one that you're probably thinking of which I have not used throughout this entire text. I just realised that next year will be 2020. That's crazy! It just feels so futuristic! It's also crazy that the 2010s decade is almost over. That decade brought be a lot of memories. In fact, it brought be almost all of my memories. It'll be sad to see it go. I'm gonna work on a series of video lessons for Toki Pona. I'll expain what Toki Pona is after I come back. Bye! I'm back now, and I decided not to do it on Toki Pona, since many other people have done Toki Pona video lessons already. I decided to do it on Viesa, my English code. Now, I shall explain what Toki Pona is. Toki Pona is a minimalist constructed language that has only ~120 words! That means you can learn it very quickly. I reccomend you learn it! It's pretty fun and easy! Anyway, yeah, I might finish my video about Viesa later. But for now, I'm gonna add more to this giant wall of text, because I want it to be the longest! It would be pretty cool to have a world record for the longest text ever. Not sure how famous I'll get from it, but it'll be cool nonetheless. Nonetheless. That's an interesting word. It's a combination of three entire words. That's pretty neat. Also, remember when I said that I said the F word six times throughout this text? I actually messed up there. I actually said it ten times (including the plural form). I'm such a liar! I struggled to spell the word "liar" there. I tried spelling it "lyer", then "lier". Then I remembered that it's "liar". At least I'm better at spelling than my sister. She's younger than me, so I guess it's understandable. "Understandable" is a pretty long word. Hey, I wonder what the most common word I've used so far in this text is. I checked, and appearantly it's "I", with 59 uses! The word "I" makes up 5% of the words this text! I would've thought "the" would be the most common, but "the" is only the second most used word, with 43 uses. "It" is the third most common, followed by "a" and "to". Congrats to those five words! If you're wondering what the least common word is, well, it's actually a tie between a bunch of words that are only used once, and I don't wanna have to list them all here. Remember when I talked about waffles near the beginning of this text? Well, I just put some waffles in the toaster, and I got reminded of the very beginnings of this longest text ever. Okay, that was literally yesterday, but I don't care. You can't see me right now, but I'm typing with my nose! Okay, I was not able to type the exclamation point with just my nose. I had to use my finger. But still, I typed all of that sentence with my nose! I'm not typing with my nose right now, because it takes too long, and I wanna get this text as long as possible quickly. I'm gonna take a break for now! Bye! Hi, I'm back again. My sister is beside me, watching me write in this endless wall of text. My sister has a new thing where she just says the word "poop" nonstop. I don't really like it. She also eats her own boogers. I'm not joking. She's gross like that. Also, remember when I said I put waffles in the toaster? Well, I forgot about those and I only ate them just now. Now my sister is just saying random numbers. Now she's saying that they're not random, they're the numbers being displayed on the microwave. Still, I don't know why she's doing that. Now she's making annoying clicking noises. Now she's saying that she's gonna watch Friends on three different devices. Why!?!?! Hi its me their sister. I'd like to say that all of that is not true. [REDACTED] wants to make their own video but i wont let them because i need my phone for my alarm.POOP POOP POOP POOP LOL IM FUNNY. kjnbhhisdnhidfhdfhjsdjksdnjhdfhdfghdfghdfbhdfbcbhnidjsduhchyduhyduhdhcduhduhdcdhcdhjdnjdnhjsdjxnj Hey, I'm back. Sorry about my sister. I had to seize control of the LTE from her because she was doing keymash. Keymash is just effortless. She just went back to school. She comes home from school for her lunch break. I think I'm gonna go again. Bye! Hello, I'm back. Let's compare LTE's. This one is only 8593 characters long so far. Kenneth Iman's LTE is 21425 characters long. The Flaming-Chicken LTE (the original) is a whopping 203941 characters long! I think I'll be able to surpass Kenneth Iman's not long from now. But my goal is to surpass the Flaming-Chicken LTE. Actually, I just figured out that there's an LTE longer than the Flaming-Chicken LTE. It's Hermnerps LTE, which is only slightly longer than the Flaming-Chicken LTE, at 230634 characters. My goal is to surpass THAT. Then I'll be the world record holder, I think. But I'll still be writing this even after I achieve the world record, of course. One time, I printed an entire copy of the Bee Movie script for no reason. I heard someone else say they had three copies of the Bee Movie script in their backpack, and I got inspired. But I only made one copy because I didn't want to waste THAT much paper. I still wasted quite a bit of paper, though. Now I wanna see how this LTE compares to the Bee Movie script. Okay, I checked, and the Bee Movie script is 50753 characters long. Not as long as some of the LTEs I mentioned, but still longer than mine and Kenneth Iman's combined. This LTE is getting close to 10000 characters! That means it'll be half the length of Kenneth Iman's LTE. That's pretty exciting. Also, going back to the topic of the Bee Movie Script, I tried to write the entire thing out by hand once. But I never finished it, especially since I'm focusing on this thing now. Maybe I should write this LTE out by hand. Nah, I don't think I will. Yay, we're at 10000 characters! Let's celebrate by talking about MUSIC! Music is cool. That concludes our celebratory discussion about music. Thank you, and have a good rest of your day. Hi, I'm back now, and I got a book! It's a dictionary for a language called Elefen. It's like Esperanto, but better. Now I can learn Elefen even without internet! That's pretty cool. I will now write something in Elefen. See if you can understand it! Here goes: Si tu pote leje esta, tu es merveliosa! Elefen es un lingua multe fresca! Did you understand that? Maybe you can't speak Elefen, but you still understood that because of your knowledge of other languages. Elefen is cool because it's an actual language, not an English code like Pig Latin or Viesa. Oh, I forgot to mention that my sister is back from school. She's blasting Rhett and Link songs right now. Have you seen that picture of Rhett and Link standing with a bunch of *******? Sorry, I almost said the F word there. That would've broken my rule of not saying the F word. I wrote something in Elefen, so I will also write something in Toki Pona. See if you can understand it now! sina sona e toki mi la sina pona mute a! I can speak Toki Pona fluently, by the way. It's also a pretty cool language. My sister is still playing annoying songs. It's hindering my focus right now. But it's fiiiiine. Okay, luckily she's run out of songs to play. At least for now. She's trying to think of another annoying song to play. Now she's playing a song by Green Day. Not NEARLY as bad as the other songs she just played. I should go for now. Goodbye! Hello, I'm back once again. I don't know why I feel obligated to say that every time I come back. But I'll keep doing it anyway. My sister stopped blasting annoying songs, so that's good. She's cooking something in the microwave. I'll go check to see what it is right now. Nevermind, it's already done cooking. Right, I remember! It's mac and cheese! Now she just started singing "I have a tongue, you don't, because I cut it off yesterday". I don't know what goes on in her mind when she does stuff like that. I've been messing around with my Elefen dictionary for a while, looking up whatever random words I can think of. By the way, the whole reason I'm doing this longest text ever is because of pointlesssites.com. That's how I found the Flaming-Chicken LTE, which inspired me to start writing this LTE. So thanks, pointlesssites.com! I check that website every day to see what new pointless websites they add. You know, I could double every letter I type so that this text would be twice as long as it normally would be. But nah, that's kinda cheating. So I won't. Also, SUBSCRIBE TO PEWDIEPIE! There, I did my part. Not that anyone will read this, but still. 'Twould be nice if you subscribed to PewDiePie. That's another word I invented. Actually, I looked it up, and I didn't invent it. Someone came up with it before I did. That's pretty sad. Also, LEARN VIESA TODAY! IT WILL CURE YOUR DEPRESSION! Seriously though, learn Viesa. It won't actually cure your depression, but I'm desperate for speakers. I only have one other person to speak it with. I should go now. Goodbye. Hi, I’m back. I just came up with an idea: SIMPLIFIED ENGLISH! Or, in Simplified Engish: Simifid Enis. It’s where every group of consonant letters is reduced to the first consonant in that group of consonants, and same goes with the vowels. If a word ends up being just a single consonant with no vowel, put ‘a’ at the end. So “I like eating my waffles” becomes “I like etin ma wafes”. Isn’t it the most amazing thing ever? Nah, it’s not quite as amazing as Viesa. Actually, Viesa isn’t a real language, so it’s less amazing then Elefen and Toki Pona, both of which are cool languages. I kinda figured that half of this text would be about languages. Oh well. I just really want this to be the longest text ever, without using copy and paste, keymash, etc. If you remember, my sister did a little bit of keymash in this text a while ago. I would’ve deleted it, but nah, I didn’t feel like it. And besides, it’s not like it took up half this text. I have an estimate for how long it’ll take me to be the world record holder: about one month. I think I can manage one month of writing this. You know what? I’m just gonna break my rule of not saying the word “furry”. There, I said it. Now I’m allowing myself to write “furry” whenever I want. So with that out of the way, let’s talk about how I first became a furry. For some reason, I have the exact date when I became a furry memorized. It’s May 4, 2018. At that time, I discovered that I was a furry by watching some furry YouTube videos. I knew about the existence of furries years before this, but I didn’t know much about it until this time. I said to myself, “You know what? I’m a furry now,” and that’s what started it all. And I’ve been slowly learning more about the fandom ever since. I would like to participate more in the fandom when I’m older, but I’m too young for most of it right now. Guess I’ll just have to wait. But in the meantime, I can write about it in this text. I should sleep now. Goodnight. Hello, I'm back once again. Happy Pi Day! I memorized a bunch of digits of Pi once, not sure how many I still remember... I have literally nothing to write about now. I've been trying to come up with something for the past 10 minutes, and I still have no idea. Literally nothing is happening right now. It's pretty boring. My sister is watching Friends, as usual. Okay, since there's nothing for me to write about, I should go now. Bye! Wow, it has been a while since I last added to this. It is now July 10, 2019. Last time I edited this page was Pi Day, which was March 14. Those 4 months of this thing being untouched end today! Wait... 4 months? That means I was supposed to get this past the world record three months ago. Oh well. I have put many things into this text. A lot of them were cringy, like how I keep mentioning furry-related things. You know, I should stop putting things in here when I know I'm gonna cringe at them later. I'll try not to do that from here on out. I just know I'll fail though. I'd hate to be aware of someone reading this entire thing... like, if I had to sit and watch a family member or something read this entire text, I would cringe so hard. I would not want that to happen. I am currently pasting the entirety of the FlamingChicken LTE onto a page on OurWorldOfText. The frustrating thing about pasting stuff there is that it pastes one letter at a time, so it takes forever to paste long text. And when the tab isn't open, I'm pretty sure it just stops pasting, so you have to keep the tab open if you want it to continue. Why am I even doing this? No idea. I might not even paste the whole thing. I probably won't. Hey, I just had a thought. What if, in the future, students are reading this for a class assignment? What if this LTE becomes part of the school curriculum? If so, hi future student! I hope you're enjoying reading my CRINGE. What is my life coming to? That's enough writing for now. Goodbye. Hey again. Might as well continue writing in here for a bit. Hey, have you ever heard of 3D Movie Maker? It's a program from the 90s (that still works on modern computers) where you can make 3D animated movies. It's pretty cool. I've made a few movies with it myself, and many other people use it to make interesting stuff. In case you want to try it for yourself, I'm sure if you google "3dmm download" or something like that, it will take you somewhere where you can download the program. It's kinda aimed at younger children, but hopefully that doesn't stop you from making absolute masterpieces with this program. I have a keyboard in my room (the musical kind, not the one you type words on), and I don't really know how to play it properly, but I do it anyways. I can play a few songs on the piano (albeit with weird fingering because like I just said, I have no idea what I'm doing), including HOME - Resonance and PilotRedSun - Bodybuilder. You might not know one or both of those songs. If you don't know one of them, why not google it? You will have discovered some new music, and it will all be because of me. Why are you reading this, anyways? How did you even find it? Were you like me, and you were browsing pointlesssites.com, eventually finding the FlamingChicken LTE and going down a rabbit hole of discovering random LTEs? Literally the only reason I'm writing this right now is because that happened. I just discovered a new LTE: the RainbowFluffySheep LTE. I'm gonna see how many characters long it is. 75,957 characters. Pretty long, but not as long as the top two LTEs (FlamingChicken and Hermnerps, both with around 200,000 characters). I wanna write as much as possible into this text today. I'm gonna see how much LTE-writing I can do in one day. Hopefully it's a lot, because I wanna hold a world record! Imagine having a world record. Well, would it really be a world record? Because I don't know of any world record books that have "Longest Text Ever" as a record. Oh well, I just hope this LTE passes exactly 230,634 characters. That's all my goal is. I'm not even a tenth of the way there yet, but give it a month and I'm sure I'll get there. Hey, remember last time I said it would only take a month? That was four months ago. I should just stop promising things all together at this point. Forget I said anything about that. Did you know my sister has an LTE? That's right! It's not very long, though, and you can't read it because it's on her phone. She made it while bored at the library. That library was where I used to have web design classes. Those were fun, but I don't do them anymore. Now all I do it sit at home and write stuff in here. Well, I'm exaggerating. I go to the convenience store with my sister sometimes. But that's pretty much it outside of being bored on a computer. I should be a less boring human being. One day, I should translate this entire LTE into Viesa. That would be a big waste of time, even bigger than writing the LTE itself. But I could still do it. I don't think I ever will. This text is simply too long, and it'll be even longer than that by the time I pass 230,634 characters. By the way, if you think I'm gonna stop writing this once I pass 230,634 characters, you're wrong! Because I'll keep writing this even after I pass that point. It'll feel nice to be way ahead the record. My sister's alarm clock has been going off for half an hour and I haven't turned it off. Why? Because LAZYNESS! Actually, I really should turn it off now. There, I turned it off. First when I tried to turn it off, it started playing the radio. Then I tried again, and it turned off completely. Then I hurt myself on the door while walking out. So that was quite the adventure. I'm gonna go sleep now. Goodnight! Hey, I'm back again. My computer BSOD'd while writing this, so I have to start this section over again. That's why you save your work, kids! Before I had to start over again, I was talking about languages. Yes, I decided to bring that topic back after a while. But I no longer want to talk about it. Why? Because it'll probably bore you to death. That is assuming you're reading this at all. Who knows, maybe absolutely zero people will read this within the span of the universe's existence. But I doubt that. There's gotta be someone who'll find this text and dedicate their time to reading it, even if it takes thousands of years for that to happen. What will happen to this LTE in a thousand years? Will the entire internet dissapear within that time? In that case, will this text dissapear with it? Or will it, along with the rest of what used to be the internet, be preserved somewhere? I'm thinking out loud right now. Well, not really "out loud" because I'm typing this, and you can't technically be loud through text. THE CLOSEST THING IS TYPING IN ALL CAPS. Imagine if I typed this entire text like that. That would be painful. I decided to actually save my work this time, in case of another crash. I already had my two past attempts at an LTE vanish from existance. I mean, most of this LTE is already stored on Neocities, so I probably won't need to worry about anything. I think I might change the LTE page a little. I want the actual text area to be larger. I'm gonna make it a very basic HTML page with just a header and text. Maybe with some CSS coloring. I don't know. Screw it, I'm gonna do it. There, now the text area is larger. It really does show how small this LTE is so far compared to FlamingChicken or Hermnerps. But at least I made the background a nice Alice Blue. That's the name of the CSS color I used. It's pretty light. We're getting pretty close to the 1/10 mark! That's the point where we're one tenth of the way to making this the longest text ever, meaning all I have to do is write the equivalent of everything I've already written so far nine more times! Not gonna make any promises, though. How come every time I try to type "though", it comes out as "thought"? Why do I always type the extra T? It's so annoying that I have to delete the T every time. Okay, only mildly annoying. Not as annoying as I previously described. I apologize for my exaggeration of the annoyance level of me typing "thought" instead of "though". I just realized that most of the games I play are games that I've been playing for at least six years. I started playing Garry's Mod in 2013, Minecraft in whatever year version 1.2.3 came out. Now I have to look that up. March 2, 2012. So I started playing Minecraft approximately during that time. Wow, seven years ago! Coincidentally, I was also seven years old then. I remember the days of 2012-13. That was when I still played Roblox and made terrible YouTube videos. I was called "Infinite Budgets" back then. I also remember the days of 2016. A lot of people thought that was a terrible year, but for me personally, it brings me a lot of nostalgia because I talked a lot with my online friend at the time, and I did livestreams on YouTube and stuff. It was fun. 2016 was also when I got the phone that I still have to this day. Yup, my phone is three years old. My life was completely different when I got this phone: I was 11 years old, my YouTube channel actually had activity, and I wasn’t writing this text. I’m currently writing this in the car. We are on out way to the dollar store. And since I’m writing this on my phone, I’m making a lot more typos than usual. Some of them might make it through, so be prepared for that. Anyways, we appear to be getting close to the dollar store. I have a gift card for that place. I think so anyways, it might be for a different store... Yup, this dollar store is different. Oh well. My sister has an obsession with sponges. I’m sure she’s gonna find the sponges and go crazy over them. Why does she like sponges so much? No idea. She just found a bag of tiny baby dolls, and she wants to put them in ice cubes and call it “Ice Ice Baby”. She is truly a strange human being. My sister also has an obsession with stuffies. She has such an addiction, that she’s banned from them. Now she found the wigs and she’s considering buying one. She’s been looking at them for quite a while now. We’re out of the dollar store, and now we’re going to the computer store. I have no idea why we’re here. I guess we just are. Now we’re going home. Welp, that was a fun adventure. Stay tuned for more fun adventures as you read through this LTE. I should go now. Bye! Hello again. I made a private world on OurWorldOfText for my sister and I, but she doesn't want to join it. She doesn't think it'll be fun. Now I'm just editing it alone. How sad. But oh well. Now I’m here adding more to this text. I once made a Discord server specifically for a language called “Bo”, where the only word is “bo”. I made it almost four months ago, and somehow, it’s still going. People are still spamming nothing but “bo” there. It’s great. I also once made a server where you’re not allowed to use any vowels. It was a very strange server. I deleted it after some time though, so all that insanity is no more. I also used to own a Pig Latin server, but it got inactive so I deleted that too. We had some good memories in that server though. Now there’s a new Pig Latin server, but it’s not owned by me. Dang, my YouTube channel has been dead for so long. I haven’t posted a video in a year. I want to revive it, but I don’t know what to post there. I’ll figure it out. I doubt my channel will ever go back to it’s 2016 legacy, but I’m sure I’ll post something eventually. Random fact of the day: there are thirty-nine question marks so far in this text. Am I about to make it forty? Yes, I just did. Now the fact I initially stated is no longer true. Or is it? Because I said “so far” in the fact, that implies that we’re talking about the moment that fact was said, disregarding any future events. Now I’m pretty sure that fact is still technically true. Welp, I guess I should just accept that I’m editing that world of text alone for the rest of my life. I originally put a bunch of complaining in there, but I deleted it all. The thing is, now that world will never be same without all of that complaining about my sister not being here. But that’s fine. Hey, I just had a cool realization. Basically, there’s this conlang (constructed language, for those not in the know) server where we have a Sentence of the Week activity. In this activity, someone posts a text with a maximum of nine sentences, then people translate it into their own conlangs. My realization is this: if we take nine sentences from this LTE every week, there would be a whole year of sentences for people to translate. There are approximantly 523 sentences in this LTE. Divide that by 9 sentences each week, and you get 58 weeks worth of sentences, which is approximantly the number of weeks in a year. Quick maths. I actually suck at math, but that’s besides the point. I should go now. Goodbye! Hello, I’m back again. I really need to come up with different hello and goodbye messages, because I’ve already said “Hello, I’m back again” once before. Same with the “I should go now. Goodbye!” I said at the end of the previous section. I was going to explain what a “section” is, but I’m terrible at explaining things, so I’m not going to anymore. I guess you’ll just have to figure it out yourself. It’s probably not very hard to figure out, anyways. I guess I can just say that a section starts with me saying hello, and ends with me saying goodbye. That should be enough explaination, now that I think about it. Hey, do you ever feel like you never have any idea what you’re talking about? That’s my entire life. I just summarized it all in one sentence. On an unrelated note, I feel like half this LTE is just me talking about the LTE itself. I mean, press CTRL+F on this webpage, then type “LTE”. Look at all the times I use it in this text! Not counting the ‘lte’ in the word ‘multe’, of course. Dang, now the search results will include that, too. Anyways, half of this text is just me talking about how I’m trying to get this text to be the longest. Well, the longest LTE, anyways. I still have a long way to go. I’m only 12.7% of the way there. I mean, minus the four month gap, my estimation is that I’ve only been writing this for not even two weeks. So it makes sense that this LTE isn’t very long yet. Whenever I look at this webpage, it looks long at first glance, but the longer I look at it, the more I realize how short it actually is. It’s something that I can’t explain. For real this time. I just realized that none of this is helping the fact that half this LTE is about the LTE itself. I should bring up a new topic, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about much else. Why? Because, like I said, I never have any idea what I’m talking about. Most of this LTE is just me talking about LTEs or languages. Sometimes furries, but I don’t wanna go back into that territory at this point. But it doesn’t matter, because I’m still gonna write this LTE for as long as possible, even if it means talking about the same things half the time. Also, LEARN VIESA! Haven’t said that in a while, so I might as well bring it back. The documentation for Viesa is on this very website, so go ahead and read it! You might need to know some linguistic knowledge to understand it, though. In fact, you probably won’t understand most of it unless you know some amount about lingusitics, so you have been warned. If Viesa is too much for you, Pig Latin will probably be better for you. If it's so easy that kids can learn it, you can too! It's a language you can learn in probably five minutes, so why not give it a try? You may also enjoy Ubbi Dubbi, where you place 'ub' before every vowel sound. It's also a very easy language to learn, although not quite as popular. The thing is, none of these are even real languages. They're just codes, and very simple codes at that. You could probably crask Pig Latin or Ubbi Dubbi rather easily. Viesa too, actually. But I still enjoy them occasionally, even if Pig Latin and Ubbi Dubbi are inefficient and easy to crack, and Viesa is easy to crack yet unneccesarily difficult. I do make real languages, but I never put in the effort to learn them to fluency. At least I make them at all. Here’s a fun game: I will open up a random page from a book, and tell you the first word I see. English. That’s the word. Stay tuned for more fun games as you read through this LTE. We’re back, and we’re gonna play the same game as before. Ready? Subject. Now we’re gonna do it again. Reading. And again. Itself. Constituent. Grammar. Colloquial. Black. Outline. Add. About four of those words were language related. You’ll never guess why! (Spoiler alert: it’s a conlanging book). I’m running out of ideas now. I’m just gonna generate a random word and try to talk about it. Forbid. That’s the opposite of “allow”, I’m pretty sure. I don’t really know what else to say. Well, I guess I failed at generating a topic I could talk about. You know what's weird? My favorite word hasn't been used once in this entire text. I'm about to change that forever. Epic. Yup, my favorite word is "epic". I use it on a regular basis. I say "That's epic" all the time. It's a word I can't live without. Hey, I've now written more of this text after the 4 month gap than before it! Just thought I'd share that fact. Also, I'm gonna try and write as much as possible in this LTE today. I've already written more today than the day I first said I was gonna write as much as possible, so that's a good sign. The thing is, I don't know what to write about. I need to write about something, otherwise I won't write at all and I won't accomplish my goal. Wait, what goal should I set? How many characters should I write today? I'm gonna try and get 10,000 characters. I've already written almost 5,000 today, so from here I just have to write the equivellant of everything I've already written today. I'm just gonna try it and see if I make it. Maybe sometime in the future I'll do a bigger goal, like 15,000 or even 20,000 in one day. Actually, I don't know if 20,000 would even be possible for me. It might be, but it sounds like somewhat of a stretch for me to write that much in a single day. We'll see how long 10,000 takes, though. I'm already doing a bad job at this. I haven't typed anything here in several minutes. I need a topic. Um, Vabungula, I guess? Basically, it's a conlang created by Bill Price in 1965. It amazes me how one can work on a single conlang for that long. Most of the conlangs I start making die after 15 minutes. Anyways, I really like it because... um, I don't know, actually. There's not really anything about it that's super interesting (other than how long it's existed), it's just his personal conlang. Maybe it's the amount of development that went into it. It has over 5,000 dictionary entries and several texts written in the language. I'm sure most people reading this don't care about my language related talk, but I gotta make this long. I'm desperate to reach my 10,000 character goal. I've got 4,000 to go. I just found a website that generates random art from a seed. I just put this entire text as the seed, and it generated something quite nice. I would put the picture here, but I want this LTE to be nothing but text, so I won't do that. I've been playing with this for a while now. Many of the seeds produce boring pictures, but some of them are nice. For example, I just used "e" as the seed and it produced a nice looking picture. "a" looks nice too, arguably nicer. I've been using nothing but the word "nice" to describe these pictures. Maybe it's time to get a bigger vocabulary? "b" looks, um, good? I don't have the right vocabulary for this. I also don't feel like doing every single letter, because the pictures take some time to generate. But if you want to do it for yourself, just go to random-art.org and try it out! By the way, this is another website I found through pointlesssites.com. You know, the same website that lead me to the FlamingChicken LTE, which lead me to begin writing this whole thing. But what made me discover pointlesssites.com? Vsauce mentioned it. But what made me discover Vsauce? YouTube Reccomendations, probably. But what made me discover YouTube? As far as I remember, my dad showed it to me when I was 6. So I would like to thank my dad for being the reason I started writing this. He's the one who showed me YouTube, which reccomended me Vsauce, which mentioned pointlesssites.com, which brought me to the FlamingChicken LTE, which inspired me to start my own LTE. If he had never shown me YouTube, I wouldn't be here writing this text, and you wouldn't be reading it. Well, that's probably not true, because I probably would have discovered YouTube by other means, thus leading me to Vsauce, leading me to Vsauce, leading me to pointlesssites.com, leading me to the FlamingChicken LTE, leading me to... okay, I really need to stop now. I've gone too far. But you know what I haven't gone too far with? This LTE. I don't think I even can go too far with writing this text. Unless this text gets so long that it surpasses the 1GB storage limit of Neocities. In which case, I'll need to upgrade to Supporter in order to get a 50GB storage limit. But what if the text gets so long that is surpasses that? I don't think I'll ever make it there. I mean, 50GB is about 50 trillion characters. So I think we're good. I still need to get to 10,000 by the end of today. I've got 1,500 to go. Currently watching a livestream. It's reminding me of when I used to livestream back in 2016. I still kinda miss those days. But at the same time, I was quite awkward and had zero social skills, so I'm not sure if I'd want to go back. At this point, everything I've written today is longer than what can fit on the screen at once. At least on my computer screen. It probably changes with different screen resolutions and devices. But anyways, it's pretty unusual for that much of the LTE to be written in a single day. I don't want to pressure myself into writing this much every day, though. Last time I forced myself to complete a certain amount of something every day, it was overwhelming and I ended up losing motivation, thus letting down all my fans who were anticipating the August 30th, 2016 release date. Okay, the amount of eager fans was probably a number you could count on one hand, but still. By the way, if you're wondering what this "something" was, it was GoAnimated Garbage: The Movie, which was supposed to be an hour long episode of a series I made to make fun of random GoAnimate videos. In case you're not the type of person who knows what GoAnimate is... hoo boy. Basically, it's a drag-and-drop animation website infamous for the "grounded videos" that people made with it, among other types of videos. It's this whole community that I neither can explain nor want to explain. But I had somewhat of an association with that community back in the day. On my YouTube channel, I used to make a genre of GoAnimate video known as the "OS video". Typically an OS video is where some sort of hated character within the GoAnimate community forcefully installs their operating system onto a user's computer, and the user has to deal with this OS until they eventually find a way to "destroy" it. I made five of these videos. In chronological order: Caillou OS, Boots OS, Franklin OS, Little Bill OS, and Crap OS X. Caillou OS is the most viewed video on my main channel, which is unsurprising since Caillou is pretty much THE character associated with the GoAnimate community. When I made that video, it was a big transition for my channel. The channel's name was changed from Infinite Budgets, which had been my name since 2013 when I made crappy Roblox videos, to Allisima. All of my old videos were deleted, with the exception of my "Barney Errors", which was yet another genre of GoAnimate video. Basically, a Barney error is when a user's computer/console/whatever session is interrupted by a "Barney Error", a message informing the user that Barney has been killed, and the device must not be turned off because it's an "important message". There's also a bomb that's placed in Barney's "lair", the timer for which is displayed in the error. The user gets some amount of "chances", and every time the device is turned off, the user looses a chance and the time until the bomb explodes decreases. Eventually, the user turns off the computer enough times that there are no more chances left, the bomb explodes, and some sort of punishment happens. These punishments can range from having to downgrade your operating system, to having your computer destroyed, and in extreme cases, even to death. I once made a whole channel for Barney Errors, where I made about twenty of them before quitting. After that, I eventually quit GoAnimate all together, but I still made Crap OS X, an OS video made with Powerpoint. I also made an interactive OS parody called Windows Poop Editon, again with Powerpoint. Before that, I also made one called "Atch OS" using my old Windows XP netbook. I just checked to see if my old Weebly website still exists, since there's an Atch OS download on there and I wanted to see if it dissapeared from existence or not. Appearantly it does! I'm getting so much nostalgia from this website. It's like a window into 2016, when I had fun making these videos on a regular basis. I'm way past my 10,000 character goal now. I'm kinda glad I set this goal, but again, I'm not gonna force myself to do it everyday. I think I'm gonna stop writing for today. Bye! Hey, I'm back. Yes, that hello wasn't original either, since I already said it once. Specifically, after my sister seized the LTE and started spamming. You remember that, right? I hope you read through this whole thing instead of just picking a random part (which just happened to be this part) and reading only a tiny bit. Nah, I'm just kidding. Read this text however you want to, it doesn't matter if you read this entire text from start to finish or not. I mean, I did put some cringy stuff in here, as I keep mentioning. But it's on the Internet, and since recently, on my homepage, so I know people are gonna read it. Really the only reason I'm making this is because I have a weird obsession for writing giant walls of text. Guess what? I just added translations of this LTE into various conlangs on my website! But they're all very incomplete, and I probably won't finish them ever... I mean, if I'm gonna finish any of them, 'twill probably be the Viesa translation since it's the easiest to do. Hey, 'twill's back! I remember the very beginnings of this LTE, when I first mentioned 'twill. That was 40,000 characters ago. Appearantly I'm measuring time with characters now. Hey, what's the average amount of text I write per day in this LTE? The four month gap probably significantly drops that amount. Let's see! The trouble is finding out when I started writing this LTE, because I don't know the exact date. I'm just gonna estimate that it was March 12, based on the amount of times I said goodnight before I said "Happy Pi Day". It's not a very accurate measurement, though, because sometimes I stop writing for the day without saying goodnight. But anyways, from March 12 to today, July 16, is 127 days. As of that previous sentence, there are 42,549 characters in this LTE. 42,549 characters divided by 127 days equals about 335 characters per day. That's not very much at all. To get an idea of how short that is, the first 335 characters of this LTE consist of about 64 words and 8 sentences. As I predicted, the four months of no activity had a big impact on this number. But what if we ignore the 4 month gap, which was from March 15 to July 9, I've only been working on this LTE for ten days. 42,549 characters divided by 10 days is about 4254 characters. That's much better. It might be that big because of the 12,600 characters I wrote yesterday. I said I wouldn't do it every day, but honestly, I'm feeling like doing a goal again today. I think I might even go a bit higher than yesterday. Let's do 15,000 characters! I have zero life outside of this LTE, anyways, so I think I'll make it. As long as I keep typing about random stuff for the entire day, I'll probably get past 15,000 easily. I think I'm insane. Literally all I do anymore is write this LTE. My mom is almost certainly concered for me, because I was in my room pretty much all of yesterday and my sister told her about how I'm trying to write the longest text ever. But enough about my descent into insanity for now. Let's get this LTE to over 55,000 characters today! This is probably the most meta LTE in existence. Like I've said, I talk about the LTE itself as much, if not more than anything else. By the way, if I were to write as much as I did yesterday every day, I would reach my goal in just 15 days. Now I'm tempted to do that, even though I said I wouldn't set a goal like that every day. I think I might end up doing it subconciously. I kinda wanna convince some other people I know online to start their own LTE. Wouldn't it be fun if we all had our own LTEs? They would probably all die within a day, but at least I wouldn't be the only one writing an LTE in 2019... The most recently updated LTE I've seen is the RainbowFluffySheep LTE, which I believe was last updated in late 2018. That wasn't really that long ago, but still, I don't think it's being updated anymore. Now let's do an LTE Timeline! The original FlamingChickens LTE was probably started sometime in 2004, and Hermnerps was started the same year. The FlamingChickens LTE stopped in 2005, while the Hermnerps LTE actually lived on until 2009, although edits after the end of 2004 were rather sparce. The Kenneth Iman LTE was started in 2013 and was last updated in 2015. The RainbowFluffySheep LTE both started and was last updated in March 2018. And of course, the WhileTrue LTE was started in March 2019 and is still being updated today. Wow, 15 years of LTEs! I think my LTE is the only one still being updated. It would be nice if someone else was writing their own LTE along with me. But 'twill be hard to convince other people to waste their lives writing a useless wall of text. You never know, maybe an LTE that stopped being edited years ago will come back from the dead. That seems kind of unlikely though. Very strange fact incoming. A certain word has not been used since the very beginning of this text. Ready to learn what it is? I shouldn't tell you, actually. Of course, that would ruin it. Unless you want me to ruin a really cool fact. Surely you wouldn't want that to happen. Okay, I'll just tell you, because I'm probably gonna end up using it again someday or another. The word is "various". If you search for "various" in this LTE, you'll only find it at the very beginning as well as here. And I was gonna keep this a secret, but just now I did this thing where if you take the first letter of each sentence, it spells out "VARIOUS". Kinda clever... I guess? Anyways, for those who are insane enough to be reading this entire thing from the start: Wow, you have quite the dedication. My LTE isn't even the longest yet, but perhaps in the future, when it is the longest, people will be challenging themselves to read the entire thing. And maybe you're one of them! Perhaps you're reading this long after I've passed my goal, in which case you still have quite a bit to go. So I wish you luck on your Longest Text Ever reading adventure! I've been talking about LTEs all day. For the past 6,000 characters, in fact. I need to find something different to talk about. But first, I just had an idea pertaining LTEs. I should compare this LTE to the longest joke in the world! The longest joke in the world is 56,554 characters long, which is about how long I'm trying to get this LTE by the end of today. So if I reach my goal today, this text will be longer than the longest joke in the world! That's pretty cool. I would also be a quarter of the way to my goal. But let's get back to finding something different to talk about. I can't think of anything. My sister is singing a song about wanting Subway. I will never understand her. What goes through her brain that makes her decide "Yeah, I think it would be a good idea to sing about how I really want Subway"? I don't get how her brain works. She also likes eating paper. I asked her and appearantly she was perfectly okay with me writing that in here. She probably thinks nobody's ever gonna read this. But she's gonna be wrong! Eventually. Now she's asking me to write about how she likes yogurt. "Because I didn't used to", she says. She's eating mango yogurt, and she has water in a Gatorade bottle. Now I'm asking her what else I should put in this text. She says I should write about how there's wild sage where we live. Now she's having hot chocolate. She didn't ask me to write that, but I told her I was going to write it and she said okay. My sister might start her own Longest Text Ever, again. She says it will have only one word repeated throughout the entire text. But I told her that it defeats the purpose of an LTE. In the original FlamingChickens LTE, one of the very first things that is written is "I will just type, and type, and never, ever use copy and paste". Okay, I just made a webpage for her LTE (it's gonna be an actual LTE this time). Stay tuned for "The Best Longest Text Ever", as she calls it. I think it should have just been called "KKs Longest Text Ever" or something, but whatever. She types really slow, but I hope her LTE will be successful nonetheless. Warning: if you do go and read her LTE, she spoils Spiderman: Far From Home at the very beginning, so be careful about that. In fact, she's basically typing the entire plot of the movie. Well, that's one way to increase your LTE's length, I guess. My sister is listening to her terrible songs instead of writing her LTE. Well, she has her LTE page open, but she's not writing anything and is singing instead. Actually, she's writing stuff now, so ignore everything I said previously. She's still writing the entire plot. Her LTE is now 2,000 characters, which isn't very long, but she's only been working on it for an hour. Plus she's a slow typer. She types everything with one hand. It might take a while for her LTE to get to this level. But assuming she keeps writing it and doesn't forget about it after today, it'll get pretty long eventually. I still need to write 7,000 characters today. My sister is watching a cringy video made by our old elementary school. They became a French immersion school after I left. She found one of the videos I was in... oh god, I can't stand to look at that video. It hurts me to think about those days. My sister's LTE webpage has text now! Maybe I should create a page linking to all the LTEs I know about. I think I'll do that. Boom, it is done. I think I'm gonna also put a link to it on this page. There, that's done as well. Guys, I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it to 15,000. I still have 5,000 characters to go (I was completely off earlier, I don't have 7,000 left to go), and there's not much left of the day. In retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to make a goal for the day in the first place. After all, LTE writing is supposed to be fun! Sort of. There's zero need to make unneccesary deadlines. I think it just reduces the fun, as well as the part of my life that isn't just writing huge walls of text. From here on out, I declare character-per-day goals abolished. I will no longer make attempts to write a certain amount in a single day. I should have listened to my past self, who said not to do goals every day. But I didn't, and now I regret it. But anyways, here's a fun fact about this LTE: excluding my upcoming usage, the pronoun "he" is only used twice in this LTE, and they both refer to my dad. On the other hand, the pronoun "she" is used forty times! Almost all of these refer to my sister. Only one refers to my mom. I guess I just really like talking about the weird stuff my sister does. But not as much as being meta and talking about my own LTE. Here's another fun fact: "LTE" is the fourteenth most common word in this text! That's insane. It's more common than words you'd expect to be common, like "you", "I'm", "for", "be", "about", "was", and so on. I really need to talk about other things once in a while. But since I have zero creativity, I always resort to talking about the same topics. From what I've seen, most other LTEs are pretty diverse, but mine isn't at all. Honestly, this is likely the most boring LTE to read. But my absolute lack of creativity means it's probably gonna stay that way for a long time. I'm tired, so I'm gonna go to sleep. Maybe I'll be more creative by tomorrow. Probably not. Anyways, goodnight. Hey, I'm back, and I don't feel any more creative. But I did have a dream last night, so I'm gonna talk about that. Last night, I dreamt that I was in one of our old houses, and I saw that someone made a video roasting Viesa. They talked about how you shouldn't say "dog" in Viesa, because appearantly "deeg" is bad or something? I don't know. Then they said the rule where W becomes V is weird, but I don't remember the reason they said it. I didn't really care about how they roasted my language. Then I watched a Minecraft video for whatever reason, and then the dream ended. How do other LTE writers have so many topics to talk about? All I ever talk about is either LTEs themselves, or the fact that all I ever talk about is LTEs. There's no diversity. I very rarely talk about anything else. And when I do, it's usually about languages and lasts only a few sentences. There, I deleted it. Oh, you don't have any context. Basically I wrote a bunch of depressing stuff, then I decided to delete it all. I knew I was going to regret it later, in the same way I regret writing all that stuff about furries. Not that I think there's anything wrong with being a furry, it's just that it personally makes me uncomfortable looking back on it. I'm not even into that stuff as much anymore. I don't watch furry YouTube, and I don't talk about how much I want a fursuit/go to a convention. That's a part of me that's slowly disappearing. Okay, I'm gonna stop talking about that, because I literally just said how I regret talking about it in this text. You know, I've been feeling kind of down about this LTE lately, because as I just mentioned, all I ever talk about is this LTE itself, there's no diversity, blah blah blah. It's especially been like that ever since the four month gap. In fact, I barely talked about LTEs before that gap. It's like I lost all my creativity after four months. You know what? I'm officially gonna say this: If, for some reason, you are reading this before you decide you want to start reading this entire text, READ EVERYTHING FROM "WOW, IT HAS BEEN A WHILE" TO HERE AT YOUR OWN RISK, BECAUSE YOU WILL LIKELY DIE OF BOREDOM DUE TO THE MONOTONOUS TOPICS! There, now I'm gonna try and forget that half this LTE is the same exact boring topic. I will also try to avoid writing about the same exact boring topic for the rest of this text. Let's celebrate the End of Monotonous Topics (EMT) by talking about how we (my sister and I) had lunch and did various other things with our grandpa! So grandpa asked if we wanted to have lunch and spend an afternoon with him, and we said yes. Then he picked us up, and we went to a nearby town where we had lunch, went to a museum which was a house built in 1909 as well as the town's first hospital, and got ice cream from what is appearently one of the best ice cream places in the country, according to grandpa. So today was a fun day. I'm gonna go now. Bye! Hey, I'm back. That's the fifth time I've said that. I need to come up with more original... nah, whatever. Anyways, I had a dream last night which was basically a whole movie I don't remember most of. All I remember is playing a keyboard at the store for some reason, and that the dream ended with a random car horn. Oh, and there was Minecraft involved in the beginning, which I'm pretty sure is becoming a recurring theme in my dreams. I don't know why that happened, because I rarely play Minecraft anymore. Do any of y'all remember the DVD screensaver meme? That was one of my favorite memes. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, many DVD players had this screensaver where it was a DVD logo bouncing around the screen. The big moment that everyone anticipates is when the logo hits the corner of the screen perfectly, because, well, it's just so SATISFYING! I used to watch a livestream that was literally just this screensaver running endlessly. And when it hit the corner, it was a huge celebration for both me and everyone else watching. I got so excited when the logo hit the corner. My computer's screensaver is even still a DVD screensaver. But nowadays when I see it hit the corner, I don't have as much enthusiasm as I used to. I've just seen it too many times for it to be exciting anymore. Plus, the meme isn't even a thing anymore. I doubt that livestream is even still running. But you never know, so I'm gonna check to see if it's still going. Oh wow, it is! That was the last thing I expected to see in July 2019. But only four people are watching it, which makes sense. The title now says "DVD Logo Screensaver For 1 Year", even though it hasn't quite been going on for a year. But when it hits that point, perhaps that's when it will finally end? It should have ended months ago, if you ask me. Yup, I was right. There's a countdown on the livestream to when it ends, and it says 181 days, 9 hours, 12 minutes, and 3 seconds. Wow, the corner hit and wall hit numbers are much bigger now. The most corner hits I'd seen is around 1400 or so, but now it's at 4776! The wall hits used to be in the hundred-thousands, now it's at over two and a half million! Hello, I have returned. There, I came up with something original to say! Anyways, I just combined every single LTE I know of (including this one) and put it onto one single page on a Wikia wiki called "No Rules Wiki". That wiki exactly as you would expect from the title. I found it a while ago, and I thought it was about time I made a contribution, even if pasting over half a million characters into a single article is breaking some rule... I've been wanting to make Viesa an actual conlang for so long now. I think it's long overdue at this point. Hey, I'm back again. These sections are getting shorter and shorter each day. But oh well. I just discovered how much I like the word "number". I don't know why, but it's just so fun to say! I think I've liked that word ever since I was a toddler learning my numbers! I remember thinking it was a fun word even back then. At that time I had two little electronic toys: one was orange and for numbers, and one was purple and for letters. I'm pretty sure those were the colors. I also vaguely remember having a fan that lit up and displayed custom messages. I haven't seen anything like that since then. All I hear right now is Baby Shark being blasted upstairs. You know that song, right? I don't know who doesn't know it at this point. I can't think of a single person I've seen that doesn't know what that song is. Dang, ever since the EMT I haven't been writing as much in this text. Looks like LTEs were all I could talk about. Oh well. How many times have I said "oh well"? Probably a lot. About eight times, in fact. I'm back again. I went a full day without writing anything into this LTE yesterday! There were a lot of things happening that day, so I didn't feel like writing. I could've written at least a little bit, but I didn't. Time for me to use this LTE as my dream journal yet again! I had a dream where my domain was "exin" (or something like that) instead of "whiletrue", so that was a thing. I also had a dream where there was this game that I thought existed in the real world, but it didn't. Dreams do that sometimes. I don't remember much about the game, but it involved the Simpsons, I guess? Also, I was in a weird store where they had an... iCarly laptop? And a bunch of gift cards. That's all I remember. For now, at least. My sister does not like synthwave. She says "it's repetitive", "the sounds they use don't sound like music", and she doesn't like how it doesn't have lyrics. First of all, she's hypocritical because she always listens to the same songs on repeat. And why does it matter that it doesn't have words? Why does she think every single piece of music in existence has to have words? YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR OPINIONS THERE! (That was a reference to a cringy GoAnimator that no one reading this will get, unless you came to this website from my YouTube channel which you subscribed to during my OS video days). Anyways, synthwave is objectively the best genre of music. I remember hearing HOME - Resonance for the first time in a Discord voice chat, and it was magical. I wish I could listen to that song for the first time again. That was how I got into synthwave. You know what my favorite color combination is? Yellow text on a magenta background. Oh, and don't forget the Comic Sans. That is just pure beauty right there. In fact, it's used in the first frame (well, close enough) of "history of the entire world, i guess", which makes me love that video even more. We're at 60,000 characters, 1,000 sentences, and 12,000 words! Weird how all those counts hit such round numbers in one day, huh? I need to stick to the EMT, so I should stop talking about that. My sister is attempting to build a Lego city. Her goal is to have three buildings, since she doesn't have THAT much Lego. Have you noticed how quickly I've been switching topics in this text? That's because I can't talk about anything for a long time. That is, unless that thing is languages or LTEs. I am currently trying to revive a language my sister and I started making a while back. Sometimes my sister has days when she doesn't hate languages for some reason, then she ends up starting one. But of course, she regained her hate and abandoned it. Now I'm the only one working on the language. By the way, the language is called Lazay, which was the successor to Zula, the first language we made together which is now deleted. We started writing the language on paper, but then I started a Google Doc. I'm sure the papers are still here somewhere. I'm just too lazy to find them. I’m back again. I haven’t been ending these sections with goodbyes recently. But whatever. We’re on our way to IKEA to get a dresser for my room. We’re listening to Queens of the Stone Age right now, and I’m just waiting for “Fortress” to come on. I sing that song in Viesa, but I make up half of the lyrics. It goes: Ванавар јак фиртрас кува, ма башег ђара, ја сок. Try and translate that! The song is playing now. I like this song. We’re back from IKEA now. Actually, we’ve been home for hours now, and we’ve already built the dresser. My computer crashed (but don’t worry, I started writing this in Google Docs on my phone), and now Google Chrome won’t open. So I have to use Microsoft Edge for now. I’m gonna sleep now. Goodnight! Hello, I'm back. My sister is brushing my back with a hairbrush, and I don't know why. I asked her what I should write about (because I have zero creativity), and she said I should write about that. I'm gonna type whatever comes to my head now. Hi, I'm a boring human being who has zero creativity whatsoever and still happens to be writing an LTE. Isn't that insane? How could this be? Nobody knows, and nobody will ever know. It is a strange mystery that has yet to be solved. Hmm, I wonder if I should go and eat pancakes now? I'm so random right now. In fact, there's an entire subreddit for that: r/iamsorandom. You should check it out! I mean, you don't really have to, but it would be nice if you did. I use Reddit a lot, but I only use it for language-related stuff. Well, I make posts in language-related subreddits, but the non-language subs that I look at are ones that I don't post anything to, because I know nothing about literally anything that isn't languages. And heck, I don't even know much about languages! I only make English codes and call them "conlangs". Sort of. I usually don't actually call them conlangs, but I use them for such purposes. I speak Viesa as if it were a real language, but it simply is not. Why did I make Viesa in the first place? Well, you see, it all started out as a joke for April Fools' Day. I called it "the new universal language", despite it literally being a cipher of English. What!? A cipher of English being a universal language? How silly! What a funny joke, right? Maybe? Somewhat? Anyways, I then made a SECOND VERSION! DUN DUN DUN! This second version had CLICKY SOUNDS which, spoiler alert, dissapear in the next version of Viesa. Sad, right? RIP CLICKS 2018-2018 NEVER FORGET! I also added WACKY GRAMMAR STUFF and PRONOUNS! WOAH! How crazy! Then I made the next version: VERSION 3.0! This version added CYRILLIC! (you know, that alphabet the Russians use, as well as the Serbs, whose version of the Cyrillic alphabet I stole for Viesa. Hehehe!) And that's the entire history of Viesa, explained in a Zany way! Do you like how I capitalized "Zany" there? Aren't capital letters so cool? They let you YELL AND SCREAM AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS! They add EXCITEMENT! And most of all, they let you capitalize words like This. lowercase letters are also cool. without them, we'd all be yelling and screaming all the time. That would be pretty tiring, wouldn't it? I see two water bottles. One is empty, while the other still has some water in it. The empty one is blue, and the one with the water is pink. I should also mention that the blue one is mine, while the pink one is my sister's. I got that water bottle because I lost my other one at school. But GUESS WHAT? I FOUND IT IN THE LOST AND FOUND! Wow! Now I had two water bottles. How Wacky and Crazy and Zany and Bizzare and all those adjectives that perfectly describe this epic moment! Wow, writing your mind is a great way to increase your LTEs length! Before I was actually THINKING about what I was writing. But now I barely do, and it's greatly improving my LTE! Except the overuse of capital letters might throw the reader off guard a little because of how sparingly I've used them in the past, but oh well. I could fix it, but I don't feel like it. I want to continue writing, but I need to sleep now. Goodnight! Hi, I'm back again. My computer crashed AGAIN, and I was ignorant enough to not save my work, so that means I have to start this part of the text all over again. That's quite unfortunate. But did I mention that my Google Chrome is working again? That's the good news. It's good news because Google Chrome has all my logins, websites, and stuff like that. Hopefully you know what I mean when I say that. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. I don't even know what I mean right now! I'm probably insane right now. Especially since I'm writing this right now, as I have been for about 18 days minus the four month gap... I think. I hope I did that right. As I've said before, I'm bad at math. My sister just read the entirety of what I've written today for some reason. My sister just sang "I want your computer to crash again because I'm evil". She IS evil if she wants my computer to crash. At least I'll have this section saved. In fact, right now I'm pressing Ctrl+S after every sentence! Including this one. And this one. Also this one. I think you get the point now. My sister keeps typing into this LTE without my consent, and I keep having to delete it all. It's pretty annoying. Hey, flashback to when I said that way at the beginning of this text! You know, the part where I talk about the Teen Titans Go episode called "Waffles" where the word "Waffles" is said a hundred-something times. You know what else is said a hundred something times (in this LTE)? The letter J. So far it's been used 115 times in this LTE. That's your Interesting LTE Fact of the Day! Well, not really "daily", but whatever. Here's a story: Once upon a time, people got tired of starting off their stories with "Once upon a time", so they stopped doing that. But one person decided not to stop using "Once upon a time", and used it at the beginning of this story. And that person is ME! The end. Wasn't that a lovely story? You're probably not thinking that. Again, I'm not creative in any way whatsoever. That's why I don't usually write stories and instead write giant walls of text full of meaningless information, like the one and only WhileTrue's Longest Text Ever that you're reading right now. Hopefully nobody died of boredom from reading between "Wow, it has been a while" and the EMT. That's the most boring part of the LTE! 90% of it is just me talking about LTEs themselves. How uninteresting is that? Very uninteresting. Penguins. What are they? I don't know. What am I even writing right now? I haven't a clue. Isn't it weird that I said "haven't a clue" like that? Normally "haven't" isn't used if it's alone as a verb, as in "I haven't my keys". Who says that? Nobody, that's who. And yet "I haven't a clue" is an actual thing I've heard people say. Anyways, AFRICA! That was random, but let's discuss it anyway. Africa is a well-known song by Toto. It's a good song. I can kinda sorta play it on piano? Maybe? I don't know. Another song I can play on the piano is All Star by Smash Mouth. You know, the Shrek song? Anyways, I once made a video called "All Star but it's played on a Sesame Street piano" and it got almost a million views. It's been stuck at 900,000 for what seems like forever now. I'm gonna check to see if it's at a million now. I doubt it, though. Nope, still at 926,000 views. And I doubt it's gonna get any more, to be honest. It had a good run though. My sister is chugging applesauce. She thinks she's epic because of it. I don't know anymore. I seem to keep saying that after everything I type at this point. It's strange. Hello, I have returned after yet another long absence. When was the last time I added to this? I think it was somewhere in July. So yeah, it’s been three months, as it is now October 17, 2019. The end of the decade is approaching fast. I’m a bit excited, because I’ll have significant memories from more than just one decade! My earliest significant memories started in Kindergarden, which was in 2010. This means that I only really remember one decade. But now that an entirely new decade is coming up, I’ll be able to remember another! Part of me feels like I shouldn’t be excited over this, since the boundaries between years is arbitrary, and a decade is 10 years only because we count in base 10, so if we counted in base 12 or something, a decade would be 12 years long. That was kind of a run-on sentence, but I don’t really feel like making this text perfect, anyway. Have you heard of the Library of Babel? libraryofbabel.info is a website containing every possible combination of the lowercase letters a-z, space, comma, and period. The library is divided into hexagonal chambers. Each hex contains four walls. Each wall contains three shelves. Each shelf contains 32 volumes. Each volume contains 410 pages of 3200 characters each. Everything you could ever say or write is on this website. Even this LTE! See for yourself: https://libraryofbabel.info/bookmark.cgi?lte. Okay, that’s only the first bit of it, but every other bit of this LTE is somewhere in the library! In fact, here’s the next bit: https://libraryofbabel.info/bookmark.cgi?lte:1. It’s split up into about 20 different pages. I don’t feel like putting links to all of them here. It also removes punctuation that the library doesn’t use, like the exclamation point, question mark, colon, and so on. But it’s pretty mind-blowing stuff, if you ask me. If you try and browse the library yourself though, you probably won’t find much more than total gibberish. It’s crazy to think that everything we could ever possibly say or write is massively outweighed by meaningless strings of letters and punctuation. HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO. I said "hello" ten times in all caps in an attempt to make the separation between this writing and the rest of the LTE as clear as possible. Because today is March 5, 2024. The last time I wrote in here was around late 2019, so that's a gap of over 4 and a half years. You know, that doesn't even feel like *that* long of a time to me; perhaps when I was younger, 4 years ago seemed like ancient history in my mind, but as I get older it seems the length of a year becomes less and less significant as all the years start to blur together in my brain. But then once I start to think about it, it becomes undeniable that 4 years is more than enough time to make a huge difference. Since I last edited this LTE, an entire worldwide pandemic came and went, and I've changed and grown so much as a person that it's extremely difficult to look back at the stuff I wrote in this LTE all those years ago without thinking to myself "wait, I used to be like that???". Another thing that happened in the last 4.5 years was that this LTE suddenly exploded in popularity after it was inadvertently put into the background of a few seconds of a Jaiden Animations video. Because as it turns out, Google's magical SEO systems decided that this webpage should be one of the first results to show up when someone searches terms such as "longest text ever", "really long text" etc, which is how this text ended up in that video. I mean, maybe it wasn't strictly Jaiden's video that boosted its popularity; it could just be a bunch of people randomly googling "longest text ever" and coming across my page... which, I wouldn't have ever expected "longest text ever" to be something people were going to search *that* often, but I guess it must be??? Because at the time when it happened, I just figured it'd just be a neat little thing that happened to me once; a little bit of fame that would quickly die out within less than a week. But no, even almost 4 years later I *still* get comments on my YouTube channel about this LTE; I still get people saying things such as "Hey it's the person behind the LTE", "Hey I read your LTE", and so on... People still keep visiting this webpage to this day, and there are many ways that I can tell. If you've wondered what the weird little advertisement thingy at the top of this page is, it's a project run by a close friend of mine called "johnvertisement" which is sort of a parody of web advertisements. If you click on the "john" link you'll find its webpage, and on it is a leaderboard tracking how many johnverts have been served to visitors of each website, on which this very website is at the top by an insanely huge margin. And it's a number that somehow only keeps getting bigger and bigger. So okay, maybe a few people messaging me every once in a while isn't the absolute epitome of internet fame, but more people have wrote to me about this one LTE than people have wrote to me about any of my other projects (although, those old GoAnimate videos I made are arguably much more popular than my LTE). But I think the main reason the everlasting popularity of the WTLTE sticks out in my mind so much is because, well... I kind of hate it. I generally really appreciate it when people pay attention to the things I make, but also it pains me that one of the most prolific projects I have ever created also happens to be a project that I physically cannot think back on with any positive sentiment. When I hear someone tell me that they read the entirely of my LTE, it *should* feel so nice and rewarding to me that someone paid such substantial attention to something that I created; and if it were any other project of mine, I think it would. But instead, all I can think upon hearing something like that is "oh god, I can't imagine how painful it must have been to read through some of the stuff I put in there!!!". Because, well, I don't want to imply that I'm a proponent of cringe culture, because I absolutely am not... but there's so much in here that I can't stop myself from genuinely physically cringing at. Now, it's very easy to cringe at your past self; it's a feeling that so, so many people experience. And whenever I do, I tend to stop and try to think: "What rational reasoning to I have for cringing at myself? Is there a tangible and effable cause for the feelings of discomfort that I am experiencing?". And then I find it difficult to come up with any. I tend to think about my past self from a few years ago as really annoying and cringy, but then my friends tell me they never once saw me that way, which leads me to believe that, as is so often the case for me now, these feelings are nothing but irrational anxieties that don't make sense. So, maybe I don't have any reason to cringe at this LTE, but I still often can't help myself from doing so. Now I knew I was a very different person in 2019, but reading parts of this text, holy crap I didn't realize I was *that* different... If you've already read through this whole LTE and think you have a decent idea about the kind of person that I am because of it, you are completely and utterly wrong. 4 years can do a lot to change a person, especially a person who's still relatively young (I was 15 last time I wrote in here, now I'm 19). 4 years ago I had friends that I still have to this day, and I kind of shudder thinking about that, because I was just so different back then!!! Honestly this LTE, aside from making me cringe uncontrollably, was never really that good in my opinion. There was far too much meta-talk about the LTE itself, and also far too much complaining about how much meta-talk there was... If I started writing another "longest text ever" today (and I've vaguely considered it before...) I'd try to write about things that are actually remotely interesting, and also maybe it'd have a bit more line breaks in it, or maybe it could have much more formatting and images instead of just being plain text (longest webpage ever???). Or at the very least I'd put it on a webpage designed such that the content occupies a thinner space, like how the rest of my site is, because my aforementioned friend has since bestowed upon me the knowledge of the optimality of `width: 80ch;`. By the way, go look at my newer website (viba.neocities.org), it's *way* better than this old website, both in looks and in content. Anyway, the whole reason I'm writing this is to be a (probably) final retrospective on the LTE, and to sort of update some of the people who have read the entire thing. I expected myself to write a bunch of words that actually feel like they're going somewhere, but that just isn't happening at all. I don't know where I'm going with this. My brain is broken and I can't write anything good. I was going to just leave this LTE in the past and forget about it forever, but suddenly I felt the need to remenisce on it just one last time. WhileTrue's Longest Text Ever is something that I'm not the most proud of at all, but it's apparently something I'm still known for. And maybe, just *maybe*, there shouldn't be any shame in that. But it's sort of like a partial autobiography of a person who no longer exists, but whom people may be lead to believe still exists; that person being my past self from 4 years ago. I am not that person, and I hope I can make that clear. I've had many an urge to take this page down, and in fact I did succumb to it once, but then for some reason I felt so much regret for doing that. And besides, once any piece of data on the internet becomes popular enough, it becomes impossible to erradicate it, because it has already duplicated itself countless times like a virus, thanks to being endlessly reposted and downloaded and archived. But as much as this LTE elicits such negative reactions inside my own head, it's clearly elicited positive reactions in the minds of so many others, based on all the kind words people have said to me about it. And I don't want to be the person who deletes all their stuff that other people enjoy so much just because they hate it themselves. So that's the main reason this page is still up. I don't really know how I'm supposed to end this, but all I can say is: Thanks for all the support, and thanks for your sustained interest in the things I have made.I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy? Advertisements REPORT THIS AD Yes? If sewers moving at 90%!• the speed of light, would the air compression deflecting us not cause us do develop into an expanding plasma fireball. This is a story, Writer. Stories don’t have to ‘work’. I NEED TO STOP!!! I keep writing all this nonsensical blubber and I can’t stop. Are you, the reader not so confused and uncomprehensive of what I’ve just been typing to the last hour!?!? Oh wait, you can’t tell me if you were or not, your walkie-talkie isn’t on the same channel as mine. I just realised something. I work hard to you guys trying to give you quality topics and extra-special rants. And how do people repay me? By writing more than me!!! I spend all day thinking about things that i want to put into this, and then I type it all up! And then I see that people want quantity, not quality! But no! You loyal readers will have to deal with me not writing 500 words a day, because I’m thinking of things and stuff. I was just thinking, I need complain about my life more. That’s what all the people are doing nowadays. “Oh, my life is so hard, I just broke a fingernail!” BIG DEAL! “Oh, my life is hard too, i just broke a finger” BUG REAL! ” oh my life is mildy uncomfortable and difficult, I broke all of my fingers, toes, limbs, necks, mothers vases, favourite Guinness book of world records records, my most-used language rules, that kinda stuff. Just in case you didn’t realise, I’m an introvert. So I have lots of problems with… People. And my guess is that you do too! So here are some crucial situations for you to read and laugh at me because you know I can’t hear you! 1: You know when your talking to someone and you can’t figure out what part of their face to look at? Is it their eyes, or their nose, or their mouth? So then you kinda unfocus your eyes and stare in the middle of their face, like your looking right through them? And then they finished talking and you have no idea what they just said? CUZ THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME! 2: when your talking to someone and they are saying important stuff, but instead of listening to what they’re saying your just saying yes whenever they stop talking for a little bit? 3: when you are going into a building and there are people behind you, and you can’t figure out if you should hold the door open for them or not? If you don’t and they’re too close, It will probably hit him/her in the face but if you do and they’re to far, its really awkward because you are just standing there for a really long time. Have any of these things happened to you? Leave your answer in the comment section below! (There actually isn’t one, I can’t figure that much out). Hedgehogs must find it really hard to have birthdays! If they have lots of balloons everywhere, they probably pop them; the police come because they think that its gunshots, and there goes all the hedgehogs friends. I’m sure glad I’m now a hedgehog! In section 333 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that free pop-proof balloons will be sent to any hedgehogs in need. Well goodbye, I’m off to slay a fantastic fedora fanatic! But before I go, I have to ask one thing. Did you really make it this far? Because if you have, the you have been promoted from herder of the rainbow fluffysheep to shearer of the rainbow fluffysheep. It’s a title only few in the world have. Did you know I also make comics? Probably not, because I haven’t posted any yet! Well stay tuned for them someday. What’s up with everyone wanting to deep fry things? Deep fried mars bars, deep fries cool aid! Well I’ve come up with a new food type! ‘Shallow fried’ available at all good pharmancy checkout lines beside the mayacamole and the taco sauce. (That sounds really good!(jut i case you didn’t know, mayacamole is mayo and guacamole combined. Doesn’t that sound MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!!( I think it does))) shallow fried stuff has half the fat, uses half the ‘deep fry juice’ (whatever they put in there) and has have the flavour! For twice the price! Even though we never had an original price. Whatever. Do you know what’s the worst? Trying to buy computer – related things in charity shops. I was at value village, and I saw a USB. It was 64 gigabytes! That’s pretty good (I bet if your are reading this in the distant future than you think that a 64 gigabyte USB is awful. Well it isn’t in this day and age) I thought, so I went to buy it. It’s only two bucks! Wow, what a steal. I looked closer at it and that’s when I realised. It said 64 MEGABYTES!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE THAT IS! if you are from the distant future than you are probably thing ‘that’s like nothing’ and you’d be right. It can only store like 60 million letters! That’s only 15 million words! That’s only a million sentences! That’s only 200,000 paragraphs! That’s only 20,000 chapters! That’s only 1,000 Books! That’s only 250 quadrilogies! Now that I think about it, 250 quadrilogies isn’t that bad. If you couldn’t tell, I used a method called Fermi Estimation, though a little more precise. In Fermi Estimation, you can be off by 100x in either direction and it doesn’t really matter. According to Fermi Estimation, this is me. Age: 10 Number of eyes: 1 Social Security Number: 1000000 PIN code: 1000 number of limbs: 1 people in my family: 1 (forever alone). That’s why I like Fermi Estimation. I actually didn’t tell you why I like it. Oh well. Where I live, they use blackcurrant in everything. It’s pretty much a replacement for grape. But am I the only one who thinks that grape flavoured things taste way better? Whenever I get something blackcurrant flavoured I offer it someone, because they usually like it (and I hate it). Works well for me!! I was just thinking about tides. Way back in the day, wouldn’t tides make no sense? The sea would just get higher and lower and there was no reasoning behind it. Maybe that’s why they thought sea monsters existed. No what I think about it though, the moon pulling on the water is kinda even crazier than that. And now for a commercial break. Kshhhhhh – Tacos…… I LOVE EM! And you can to for only ten easy payments of ten bucks! (That’s deer by the way) tacos can make you feel fuzzy in the inside. That’s because of the mould that comes FREE with every purchase! And there’s no artificial additives either! (We did that by adding so many additives that instead of adding it to the taco, we were technically adding the taco to the additives). What are you waiting for! I’m waiting for this commercial to end so I can get paid! Call now at 1800-GOT-PUNK to order a taco from Teddys Tacos (or would it be Teddies) and you will get a free rent-a-friend with your purchase! But there’s more! Order now and get a free Ferrari too! Oh it seems our lines are down its too late. They’re back up again! But it’s too late! I use too many exclamation marks! But there’s more! Be the 7.8×10^9 customer to order to get a free home with your choice of a happy meal toy! KSHHHHHH . I think that people complain about preservatives way to much. They all say “oh, it’s SOOOO unhealthy” but I think that month-past-the-expiration-date-food is way more unhealthy. The end of that. Goodbye.Do you do two extra languages in school? If so you will know what I mean. Every time I have to study for one language, I ALWAYS remember the word from the other language! Like when I’m learning Japanese I’ll think what was ‘how are you’ again? Oh yea, it’s frickin ÇA VA!!! (Sorry if I’m being too edgy) in section 250q4 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook it states that English is the best language and no one should be forced to learn any other. If they are, they must fill up a bath tub with alpabits which spell out the word that they uttered and eat all of it without any sugar sprinkled on top (NOOOOO). That sounded a little bit cliché. GO TO THE TUB YOUNG MAN! ok. Well, that’s all I got for today. See ya! I’m back here again! Another hour of my life will be wasted in the next few… Minutes? That previous (the auto correct is so bad on this phone it corrected previous to peeler oohs) sentence made no sense whatsoever. I have a conspiracy for you guys today! (Or 4 U Guys 2Day if I want to sound ‘Hip’). Don’t worry, it’s not as long as that Illuminati one (although I was thinking about doing another one of those soon. So stay tuned!). I think school is a scam! Have you ever noticed that everyone says that the government is trying to brainwash people? Well the LAST place you would think to look for that kind of activity is a government-funded learning program! The government is trying to teach people nonsense to make the population stupid. Like when will I ever need to know about the themes and plot devices in To Kill A Mockingbird? Or how to calculate the area under a curve? Or even that in 1812 a war happened that doesn’t affect me today! They could be teaching us important things, like how to pay bills, how to get a job, how to overthrow the government and all political world leaders for entire globe domination, how to use bendy straws, you know, the IMPORTANT STUFF! (By the way, one of those things was not like the others). That was my conspiracy. I don’t think that anyone has actually read to this far. I don’t actually have any proof that anyone has. But if you have, here is proof. A tiny quiz to test how well you really know this LoTeEv. Email all the answers to me atrainbowflufysheep123@gmail.com, for a chance to win a response from me and a chance to tell me what you think of this site! (Actually, no matter what I will respond though) Lets get started. Question 1: what emoji is ‘creepy’? Question 2: what type of plant will i make America covered in when I become president? Question 3: fill in he blank. Jumping _____ ate many jars containing marmalade. Question 4: what is the worst molecule to be? Question 5: how many tiny changes to a cereal box do you need to make it half the price? Question 6: what did i rate the book entitled ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’? Question 7: what page is the ‘how to go to negative pages’ section on in the walkie-talkie almanac? Question 8: what year was the brand new ford mustang bike? Question 9: what is ‘a fun game on the PlayStation 2’ Question 10: what food was described as ‘ok, Bob’? If you got all of those questions right than you are a true reader of the LoTeEv! And you get a prize! If you send me your answers at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, you will get your name mentioned in this LoTeEv? (I mean, if you want). If your like me and have a lonely YouTube channel with five views because you watched it five times, the his is the prize for you! Anyway, enough with that. An i the only person that thinks buying name brand stuff is dumb? People are pretty much PAYING to advertise a company. People want the logo for the company because it looks ‘cool’. What if you bought a shirt from The Dump? Would you want it to have a ‘The Dump’ logo on it? (Actually, I have no idea what point I was trying to make). I once heard a saying: you aren’t popular if you spend a thousand dollars on a jacket, but you at if the company that makes it spend a thousand dollars for you to wear it. (Now that I think about it i feel like I may have possibly made that up). You get what I’m saying though? I hope you do. Well, that’s my stuff for today. See ya! I’m back! And do I got stuffs to say! Do you personally know ANYONE who uses exercise balls for their intended purpose? Either we play soccer with them, or we bowl with them, or we throw them really hard at people. Now that I think about it for a little bit, what IS an exercise balls intended purpose? I’ll leave that question for you guys to figure out! Have you heard about that new law that teachers are allow to have guns in schools? I don’t know what your opinion is on that subject, but I think it’s an awful idea, at least in my school. For reference, here is a clip of a conversation between my construction and my English teacher. I will name the construction teacher mr. Hardy and the English teacher ms. Poema: “hey ms. Poema, have you heard about that new ‘teachers are allowed to have guns in school’ law?” “In fact I have mr. Hardy” ” I can’t wait to have mine. I’m gonna get one of the big ones too, so I can take down the whole class in one go.” “I’m gonna get one of those little ones that you can hide in your sock” “but then you’ll have to take down the students one at a time!” Now I’m no ‘expert’ on education, but is it even LEGAL for teachers to say stuff like that? I thought it was funny, but what if there was a new student at school that day, and they thought that the teachers were psychos!?!? The students already there are used to their teachers being like that though. I have more evidence that the teachers here are crazy! One day my brother borrowed a camera from the school, and Mr. Hardy (what a coincidence) had to collect it from him when he was done. Mr. Hardy said that if he didn’t bring back the camera by tomorrow, he would have to emigrate to a Muslim country where he would be covered from head to toe, and Mr. Hardy would personally be sent from the school board to seek him out and assassinate him! It’s just a camera, calm down Mr. Hardy. And the NEXT day he went up to him and said he must have brought the camera back, or else he would be hiding in the trenches of Afghanistan!!! And that’s why I didn’t do construction in school (and because I wasn’t good at it). That’s enough about my CrAzY life. Bye!!! It’s been a REALLY long time (like a week). And I just thought of something great. Isn’t cereal actually a soup? Well now you’re going to be thinking about that for the rest of your life :). I’m going to addition to the RFSRQP (the Rainbow FluffySheep Rhetorical Questions Page). Also to be added: Are there more hard things or soft things in the world? What is the average size of a rock? What is the meaning of life? Does nine plus ten truly equal twenty-one? Why do whales have blowholes? What colour is the dress? How long is a Fortnite? How long is a PUBG? How is plastic made from oil? How is oil made from dead stuff? Why do people eat Cheetos if they get that orange dust everywhere? Why do people celebrate pi day but not tau day? These are all important question you need to ask yourself. I know the answer to one of them. It’s because it sounds like pie, if half of pi was called Kaek, they would probably celebrate It too. I’m sorry to say guys, but I have finally and truly decided to stop writing this LoTeEv. I have to pursue other things, like my life. Goodbye forever…. — … APRIL FOOLS!!! HAHAHA! APRIL FOOLS FOOL! Today is April Fools day and I have so many ideas. So far these are my dubious schemes: I have turned only one corner of my brothers Rubik’s cube to render it unsolvable (the only way is to take it apart), put the movie in the DVD player upside down so it doesn’t play, and I stole my brothers Easter egg (as I say it now that last one doesn’t really seem like a prank). But he got me back, because he: put an avocado in the coffee maker, tied a air refreshener to the door so when you open it it sprays everywhere, and threatened me with a knife that turned out to just be a comb. Isn’t it great? I have a weird family. Hey! We were all LIED to in kindergarten! Remember you teacher always used to say to you “remember children, I before E, except after C!” We’ll you were SCAMMED! Take the word ‘weird’ as an example. See what wrong here!?!? It has the I AFTER E, and not after C! Now if you don’t trust the school system then I don’t know what your doing with your brain. You should go on strike! I just fit in the second ‘piece’ of the puzzle! When I was little, I use to always say “if it rhymes its true”. That was like my motto! And secretly, you could manipulate any sentence to succumb to the malevolent power of that prestigious rule. You could say “broccoli is bad, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!” But then you could ALSO say “ice-cream is good, so they say; and it rhymes so it is true today!”. See what I did there? I thought that it was GENIUS! Until it got used against me. All I had to do was change the rule to “it’s true if it rhymes, but only sometimes”. And that worked perfectly. Fun Fact Of The Paragraph: Leicester is actually not pronounced lay-ches-ter. It’s les-ter. That makes no sense whatsoever! I still thought you would like to know that. I have a great idea! I should talk about my middle school! Ah, way back in the day that was. When I was a wee 13 year old lad. There used to be this bench at the school where people would go to make a friend. I think people were supposed to come and invite them to play a game. But what REALLY happened is that people would just walk past and shout “Loner!!!” Whenever someone was sitting there. And they were henceforth called ‘the loner benches’. It’s a cruel world we live in. Also, there were bushes with really long leaves that we used to make bows there too. We would tie it to a stick, and then we sharpened another stick to use as an arrow. We must have had five bows and fifty arrows at the time. We hid them all under a tree, so no one would steal them. Until one day, some random person ran in stole a bow and arrow, and SHOT IT AT A TEACHER. And that’s how THAT ended. Now that I think about this school, I don’t think we ever really learned anything there. Also, herb is pronounced erb. Weird stuff, right? I have a very important, strange question for you. Why are there so many fast food restaurants that are exactly the same? What’s the point? Ask yourself that question 5 – 7 times a day, 3 – 4 times a week, 2 – 4 times a month, 12 times a year. ( You can take leap day off if you want ( although if you do you might find yourself in a Burger King contemplating life ( while also contemplating if $3.99 for 6 chicken wings is better than $6.99 for 10 ( and if the ketchup packets are free with a soft drink ( and if you ask that If the employee will look at you with utter bewilderment ( has this ever happened to you? You are squirting your ketchup into your coke when you realise… How much do I put in!?!? I read on reddit to put 2.3 packets per 7.9 ounces of coke, and a kilogram is 2.2 pounds, so that mean 5.4 packets per kilometre per hour (ppkph) and there is 39 miles in a light nano-second and… AHHHHHHH!!! Well try the new pre-mixed ketchoke! It has that perfect flavour, time after time! Ketchoke: not copyrighted! ( warning: you might choke))))))). In Europe m&m’s are actually really healthy. Believe it or not, there are like six vegetables in one bag of m&m’s. Instead of using dyes like red133 and blue423, they use stuff like beetroots. Isn’t that amazing / awful depending on what type of person you are. In land of the lost one of the characters is eating a donut filled with m&m’s and another person asks what he’s doing. He says “I’m eating a donut filled with m&m’s so I don’t have to eat m&m’s after I eat my donut”. I thought you would like to know that fun fact. I have a conspiracy! OWLS ARE TRYING TO MAKE US DUMB! People always say owls are wise! But how wise can someone be who has six toes!!! Six is equal to half a dozen. The reason I think owls are dumb is because I HATE when people say half a dozen. WHAT A BIG WASTE OF TIME! I AM SO ANGRY AND THAT IS WHY I AM USING CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Half a dozen is FOUR SYLLABLES, and six is only one. So when someone says half a dozen, I just think “oh wow, you’re just TRYING to waste my time” “during that .5 of a second you spent saying that I could have twiddled my thumbs 3,4 times, or seen every main Naruto character in a 60 FPS environment, or listen to the first two notes of crazy frog”. Now that I think about it, during the time I made that rant about half a dozen loathing, I could have listened to the first THREE notes of crazy frog (Duh DUH duh. Skip ahead to the chorus of that song.. CRAZY FROG!!!) Hello. I have a topic for you today. I was having a dream and in it there was a pink sticky note. already fascinating! But on it was handwriting… THAT I COULDNT READ. How could my brain write words that i couldn’t even read??? Life makes no sense. Or as AntVenom would say; LIFE makes NO SENSE?! Fun fact of the paragraph: 2 to 3 times a week is almost the same as every 2 or 3 days. Wahoo! Next time you buy a freddo or a banana-flavoured-freddo choco bar then remember… Eat it every 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 times a day! (Wait thats not right…) actually – JUST EAT YOUR FREDDO!! And now a special announcment: this is a shoutout to the Not Very Helpful Secrets Of Things Corporation! Or the NVHSOTC. Which means nothing. It is a company which makes things like the little tabs at the sides of cling film boxes. No-one knows about these things, but they ‘help’ people. Also, they make things like handles on flashlights that double as a stand so the poor little electrons burst into the sky helplessly, uselessly. Without this company, the world would simply not be the same!!! If donate ?5 to this company, or $4.815162342 (i hope those dollars dont get LOST in the mail hehehe) then you can save a turkey from strep throat. The end. GOODBYE!!! If you have made it this far into the official LoTeEv, then you get the official Rainbow FluffySheep Badge of Honour!!! (Um, this isnt a badge… Its just a piece of plastic with your face on it!! Go ahead, put it on your lappel next to your badge of boy scouts for not being sexist and letting girls into boy scout (speaking of this: they changed Canada’s national anthem from “all thy sons command” to “All thy peoples command”. Why would they do that? Did the ‘a’ REALLY need to be capitalised??) but how can i if there is nothing to stick it with? Would you like a knife perhaps? No, anything else! I haven’t trusted you with knives ever since you tried to butter your toast and ended up slicing Milly the Cat’s third whisker to the left. Actually, i don’t NEED this badge. Don’t worry! Take this – sqquuiisshh – (takes gum from mouth (tutti frutti flavour coincidentally (actually not coincidentally because this is fictional and i made it up to emulate the story (and it is altogether irrelevant anyway (some gum says its good for your teeth, so i guess it is coinci-DENTAL! (Hahahaha (the reason i picked tutti frutti is because is is multicoloured like rainbows (as in Rainbow Fluffysheep (pretty smart if (you ask me (now I’m just adding brackets for no reason)))))))))))) I DONT NEED THE BADGE! Besides, i don’t even have a lapel. Goodbye! Hello! Do you think that you are a professional guitar player? Well if yes, let me prove you wrong. A professional guitar player can play any children’s song, right? Well try playing teddy bear picnic! Its total chord count consists of… Brace yourself … SIXTEEN! Bye! Welcome back loyal fan of the Rainbow FluffySheep club! You have been here through my hardest struggles, and my most euphoric discoveries. Merci! Now, onto the real problem at hand… Pedals! (I guess that would be a problem at foot actually). Car pedals are so wierd because there is a brake, clutch and gas. I always thought that there was a forwards and a backwards! (Well, until like five years ago). Sad how this world has to make simple things so complicated. There must be THOUSANDS of buttons on a plane, when all it needs is up, down, right, left, forwards, backwards, cupholder eject, radio station changer, barrel roll, mince meat dispenser and two parachutes just for the captain because they don’t care about the passengers. Don’t you hate it when you are typing a list with commas and you get to the last word of the list and you realise you forgot to put an and before it?!?! E.g. The colours of a rainbow are red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet (oh no i was supposed to put an and there) indigo AND violet. There ya go, a real FWP (First World Problem (theres so many abbreviations nowadays that eventually theres going to be no words, just abbreviations)). Isn’t it weird that the ukelele strings aren’t in order? It goes Ding dong Dong DING. I wonder how that got invented? It was probably some smart guy inventing an ultra-efficient stringed-instumentplaying device when his dumb friend walks up and says what does this knob do? And the he goes BWOWOWOWOW. Yep, i guarantee you thats how it happened. Are you in a car right now and you are bored AND its raining? Pick a raindrop on the window and race it against another one. It’s great! Or you could just keep reading this, which is probably even MORE great. You could just read this forever. If you ever get to the end, then that means you are reading faster than I’m typing. Which is actually really easy. Right now I’m at the end of this LoTeEv. There is nothing but an endless abyss of void past these very words. Until i write more, that is. Do you know what is a great topic to ruin your fail routine? What makes me not sleep at night. And the answer may surprise you… BLANKETS. Thunk about it. The fully stuff in the inside is FEATHERS. DUCK FEATHERS. They kill the duck!!! Or they just skin him. But have you ever seen a featherless duck?? Exactly. Skinning them would probably be worse then killing them. Thy would be so ashamed to walk in public featherless. Unless they live in a hot country like spain, in which case the featherless ducks are the cool ones. Noooo!!! I just realised that blankets actually are made of weird fluffy stuff, while PILLOWS are made of feathers. So actually pillows are what keep me awake at night. But they also keep me asleep because thats their job. Its a PARADOX!!! Like Shrödeners cat. Im always half awake and half asleep at the same time. Although I’m closer to asleep at school. Because they don’t have pillows. If you cant sleep, i have a game for you, yes YOU. Scribble on a page, then colour in the spaces with two alternating colours so the colours aren’t touching. It looks so cool too. I have a consiracy. ICE-CREAM!!! It hurts SO MUCH!!! The government has hidden tiny knives inside of ice-cream to STAB YOUR TEETH! Its eeevil!!! They do this because then dentists get more money, which in turn… In turn causes the… the government to… lose money. Nevermind, this conspiracy has been proven FALSE by the Conspiracys Are Really Stupid commission, or COWS. I guess that would be Weally Stupid. Right now it is al the back in the year 2018. Hello from the distant past! I think ive typed enough for now. Bye!!! Im back! With some more wwiieerrdd things for you! I was casually walking around, doing my own thing, eating a burrito (i actually wasn’t, but it adds mystery to this tale) when two people walked past me. “What you have to is multiply the elephants by five, and divide by three” “Oh, I was so close!”. Now you reader try to figure out what they were talking about. (Ps: you cant! Hahaha!). And thats what happened today. Woohoo! I’m so happy. I have overcome my boundaries in c++ three times today. First, i put a function into a header file. Next, i saved multiple pieces of data into one text file. THEN, i saved an array to a text file. Hooray! If you know about c++ then you will be excited for me. I know what you are thinking. How did you get that much done… On a school day!? And this is what happened. I was getting up to go to school, like normal when SUDDENLY (Dramatic music) i turned (Dramatic music builds) and saw (Dramatic music at the climax) that i had to leave in ten minutes. (Dont worry, this doesn’t end up being my fault, or else i wouldnt tell this story). I was ready in ten minutes… LIKE A BOSS!!! And then i realised… No-one was driving us to school. Huh. And thats what happened. My parents woke up and two-o-clock. Pm. Like they don’t care about our education. It was the best day EVER! I coded for five hours. The end of that story, and a word from our sponsor. #Include “lifesimulator.h” void life(socialsecuritynum){ If (youremotion == “bored” && bool havejob == “false”){cout << “come and work at the c++ factory, where we code robots to take your job!!!; havejob = true; youremotion = “happy”;} else {cout << “life is great!”;}}. do you want to work at ‘stealyourownjob’? The only problem is that the best employees get fired the fastest. See ya! Guess what my loyal fans… IM HALFWAY THROUGH THE WORLD RECORD!!! Now, if I really want to win, all i have to do is double the amount of words. Im im halfway halfway through through the the world world record record!!! !!! That would make for a really stupid thing to read though. Has anyone printed this LoTeEv off? Seeing as most novels are 70,000 words or something like that, you my loyal reader, could easily print off 18,500 words. Maybe you could make a coffee table book. Don’t steal my works and post it on another website (actually, your website is probably too high standard for this nonsense). Every reproduction of this text must have a copyright notice as following: copyrighted and trademarked and patented an registered and stuff to RainbowFluffySheep Ltd. It hereby states in the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook section 123a, b and c that (a) this is the coolest LoTeEv ever (b) cheese is a vegetable and (c) that you may tell your friends about the LoTeEv, so long as the words emitted from your mouth do not consist of up to and include 50% of the total text from which it is derived (i’d like to see you try though (and id like to see if you have a friend because i need them 😦 (that would have been really creepy if i wrote ‘I need them ;)’ ))). Anyway, gotta go, cuz its may the second, and you know what that means… May the Second be with you!!! Chairs… They’re great for sitting in, aren’t they? Do you remember when fidget spinners were all the rage? Kids all around the globe were spinning plastic toys. And all the adults were like, “Wow, those are the most useless toys EVER!!!” But what i think is that their toys were just as bad! Think about jacks, those little spiky things with the other round things that your throw and bounce them. How is that any better!?!? Anyway, I’m just saying don’t be so Judge Judy (which is a great show (because you get to watch that big person swing a meat-hammer at a table (I’ve always wanted to do that))) all the time. Is time really a dimension? Because you can only move forwards in it. Imagine if you coulde only move forwards in the third dimension at the same rate. You would get squished with alot of walls. But, you could go back in time, to make up for the lot dimension. Perfect! I have a new… CONSPIRACY! You know those pillow where if you put them on one end they are dark and on the other end they are shiny? I think that the government has hidden thousands of tiny cameras facing upwards into the pillows, and the shiny parts are just the lenses for them reflecting light. So if you happen to own any of these said pillows, throw them away!! Or else… You will be watched. In section 747 of the Rainbow FluffySheep handbook it states that you should cut all the wires coming out of your pillows, because they are probably connected to a van outside your house. If there are no wires, then they are probably using radiowaves; in which case you should insert your pillow into an untainted lead box. Hopefully you don’t care that your pillow is now heavy, hard, cold and poisonous. You know how adults also say shooting games are “Dangerously mind-altering”? Well i bet in world war two the parents didn’t say to their kids: “hey jimmy?” “Yea, momma?” “Whatcha doin my lad?” “Im peelin me potaytoes and them I’m going to feed the cattle” “jo i mean with your life” “oh right mam! Im go’n awf to wawr with my buds!” “But war is dangerously mind-altering my sonny-boy!” “Um… Ya.” “Im very disappointed in you. Soon your going to be living in my basement eating fatcakes.” “But ma, im fightin for awr country!” “War is so violent though!” “Um… Ya.” You get the picture. Teenagers need violence in their lives! If we cant get it by going to war, then either we play violent video-games or we beat strangers!! Which one would you choose NOW, stereotypical adults!!! (See how i slowly increased the exclamation marks to increase the intensity (!!!!)). Also, adults always say stuff like “lookie here, cabbage is a new superfood!” “Howdya know ma?” “It what they say nowadays” “what time is nowadays ma?” “1945” (coincidentally the same family apparently) but who’s ‘they’ think about that, and listen to how often people say that. I have asked close personal relations and he / she stated that “its probably some group of scientists or something in Wisconsin”. Really? Wisconsin? Thats probably why ‘they’ say that cheese is unhealthy an im only allowed one laughing cow a day! (You would eat alot too if you got PTSD from a laughing cow (imagine you are just loitering around a fast food shop, eating fillet piggoin (dont ask (it was on sale for half price OK!)) when SUDDENLY a cow sneaks up behind you and makes a 200-Decible half moo half evil laugh (like this: mmwoaohoaohoa))) thats what ‘they’ sound like. See ya!!! Im back, with a thimble-load of structural wisdom! And my question to you readers is this: is garlic a fruit? Just wondering. I don’t know what to type! Ahhhhhh! I have typed my mental breakdowns to soothe them. Ahhh. Ahh. Ah. Ahhh!!! Nevermind. You know those shopping carts at stores that cost a quarter? I always went to those to see if anyone left their money in. And i got one once! You should try it. Its so satisfying when you find one. One. Only one. Buy a pencil or something to reward yourself. Make sure its a 6b pencil, so you don’t put any strain on your eyes. Or your wrist-muscles. I just found the degree button! There is a door open at a 45° angle that is 45° Celsius (Its probably in Arizona or something). Do coats keep you warm, or do they preserve heat? I think its the ladder (it is (the ladder i mean (the latter i mean (wait, is it the latte or the ladder? (The former))))) so that means if you put a coat on a snowman it would keep him alive longer! Ill start a new charity; Coats for Melting Snowmen: saving snowmen lives one water droplet at a time!! See yaaaaaaa.:.This is… A new beginning to the LoTeEv on a new phone! Although it will be added to the original LoTeEv, this part will be a new beginning, a fresh chronicle!!! But don’t worry… Nonsense is 100% guaranteed! More like 1 🙂 🙂 % guaranteed! I just had a scary thought. They say can buy everything, but I know one thing it can’t buy – a trip to the summit of Mount Everest!! No matter what you cant get to the summit unless you climb yourself. Even a helicopter can barely make it to the base camp!! I cant believe humans havent made something to do that yet. Unless… You could land the ISS on it! Perfect!! That would definetly work. I should make my own subreddit. Before I begin on this wonderful journey, i must inform you, the reader, what a subreddit is. As far as you know, a sub-reddit is just a burger at burger-galaxy (this is the cringiest sci-fi failure youll ever read). He are some examples of subreddits: r/whooooooosh (i cant remember how many o’s there are) eg. { Joe: this is the best joke ever! — Cashier: are you going to pay for that chocolate bar? Customer: I dont have any money 😦 Cashier: then put it back! Customer: *slides cashier a 20* lets keep this between us 😉 — Bob: why didnt he just pay for the chocolate bar? Jim: r/whooooosh }. Next subreddit is: r/atetheonion. Heres the backstory: The Onion is a fake news site, which posts funny news. If you fall for that news, you are said to have “ate the onion”. Eg. { The Onion: new studies show that drinking can lower thirst by up to 96% Bob: everyone knows this this is so stupid!!! Jim: r/atetheonion } What am i doing? Why don’t you just look it up on the internet!?!? r/facepalm I HAVE TO STOP. So my subreddit will be, r/RainbowFluffySheep. Who wouldve thought!?!? In it there will b— we interupt your normal daily FluffySheep to bring you an urgent news report: farm animals of all kinds are raging across the streets! We cant figure out why; one cameraman suggested they were on strike against meat production practices. I just got word that we will be speaking to a memebr of this protest shortly. Standby… Ok, so why are you commencing with this protest Sir BaaBaBaaa? Ba ba baa baaa. Baa baaa BAAA!!! Baa ba— We inturupt this interuption to bring you back your regulary scheduled program. — — we at FluffySheep Studios dont care about animal protests! We will eat all the beef jerky we want! Right guys! Guys! *sniffling in the background. A slight whimper. A deep voice. A thickened plot.* Actually [unknown], we have all been deeply moved by the actions these animals are taking. Thus… We have all become vegans. *[unknown]’s mind is blown (thats me by the way)* well… I gues ill eat this beef jerky by myself then. *crinkles the packet*. Many evil stares. *Pulls it open*. Someone starts pounding his fists. *Takes out a jerky*. Someone comes over very close – so close you could smell the vegan on him. My heart is beating. What will happen to me if i eat this beef jerky!? Or worse.. If i dont. Will i become one of them!? Thats a risk im just not willing to take. Ba bum. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Brings the jerky towards his mouth*. Ba bum. Ba bum. *Opens his mouth*. Everyone from around the building is now watching him. BA BUM. BA BUM. *chew* Find out what happens next time on… The LoTeEv — Animals Strike – in more ways than one!! Im back! And today I’m going to be talking about a very different scenario. I need to talk more about real life conspiracies if i need to keep my readers interested!! And these may not just be conspiracies, mind you, but a new kind of segment for my beloved reader(s) (i read this, sooooo) called learning about scams and trying to use them to trick my readers into reading more! So i heard about this new scam( never mind its actually old( like your mother( i’m hilarious, i know( and possibly quite offensive))) where you get say ten people to each give you €10, and you give them £15 back. ( i’m just going explain this now, but throughout this demonstration i’m going to be changing the currency symbol for comedic effect, but now that i think about it, explaining it ruins what little comedic effect what there at all, but i’m going to keep all of this anyways : ] ) And then you get 20 people to give you $20 each and you give them ¥30 back. And THEN You get 100 people to give you @100 each and you don’t pay them back! What a plan! You get to keep &10,000 in the end, which i think is a great idea. Bu how could i do that with words, you may ask? Leave your question in the comments down below ( and also your answer to your comments because a busy writer like me doesn’t heed to your delusion of getting a response from an esteemed author and self-published poet of sorts) and keep reading, because i have a possible solution. Just replace the money with characters randomly typed by an assistant writer named bilbo ( yes, he is a money of course, we need these characters to be truly random, i cant count on technology’s ‘this is random because we get extremely precise measurements of radiation’ shtick anymore ). While you try to figure out how that would ever work, ill be swiftly moving on to a new, more exciting and reasonable topic, such as… figure out the movie!! There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s face has a striking similarity to that of leonardo de caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the house, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. While you figure that out, i’ll be sleeping, see ya : ) ///// I will not explain: —– There once was a cat. He sat on a mat. The cat’s name? Leonardo de Caprio. The mat is a dream. The mat is another cats mat. The mat, when opened, contains another mat inside. Both mats are very real depictions of a real mat, but are both not real. Somehow, another mat is inside the second mat. Most cats thought that this was impossible. There is a cat named joe who owns a bowl filled with a dry collection of the most cat food in the world, which goes by the name of KittyNibbles. When joe dies, he leaves his son, who is still just a kitten named bob, the entire bowl of KittyNibbles. Joe must decide whether to eat the bowl of KittyNibbles, by pouring milk on the food, liquidating it into a scrumptious snack, or keeping to dry KittyNibbles for others and future kitten alike. Another kitten, a fairly shrewd manx cat called ‘The Black Paws’ was hired by another cat, who has a large portion of KittyNibbles himself. The problem for the hiring cat, a tabby named ‘Fluffball’, is that his large supply isn’t vast enough to outweigh bobs, making it the second largest collection of KittyNibbles in the whole house. The reason Fluffball needs to hire BP is to convince Bob that Joe would’ve wanted him to eat his nibbles, because of it’s great nutritional value. If he does eat it, the Fluff would have a monopoly of sorts on his selling of KNibbles for toys such as tons of rubber mice. To convince Bob that thats what Joe wouldve wanted, they set up a trick where they make a puppet of Joe talking to Bob, and he assumes he must be alive and these are his final words, to liquidate the KittyN’S. The thing is, the puppet of Joe is made of two mats stuck together, but there is a problem. Bob might not believe that the two stuck together mats are really Joe, because he isnt sitting on his favourite mat. Team BP knows that this has to work first time, so they found the technology they needed, a third mat. But when stiching the mats together, BP realised that he has lice and termites in his fur, which are eating away at the mats. He need to find another cat who doesn’t have termites who can sew as good as he can. The plot thickens….. But I’ll finish it later. right now there’s something even more important: Ink cartridges are such a scam! Such a scam! A scam! For multiple genius reasons. First of all, as you know, it costs around $60 to buy a single ink cartridge!! Guys… I’ve changed alot ok… There’s new thing i gotta say… This is like a new year for me… Not even, a new era… A 2.0 on existence. So get ready for a new and improved loteev! First let’s start off with this,for you this isn’t a new and improved loteev! I caught you! U just skipped ahead to this part cos you couldn’t be bothered to read all the way here. But believe me, I sure don’t blame you. It was kinda lame. Now, as a moderner child with new skills in awesomeness, I’m wayy smarter thus making this better for reading. But also sadly more boring as well… Let’s start then. What is there to talk about?? Muchos! First of all let’s just say that this loteev is getting really long. And I know I’ve been saying that the whole time, but now it’s serious. I think I have a problem. What am I actually doing? I’m not going to be posting this anywhere, cos I don’t want to pay for a domain name, and my wix site isn’t exactly going ‘viral’ and the kids say these days. One day it will tho, hopefully. Once I beat the world record I’ll be world renowned for being one of the greatest writers alive!everyone will know my name, from abe link to tommy ed. Even tho they’re both in the past, my name will be remembered for thousands of years, and time travellers will go back to their time just to tell them about me! Won’t that be great! And also by the way, if you didn’t already realise, tommy might be the biggest sham in all of existence. He stole his idea from other peeps and just patented them as his own… What a loser amirite??!? Ok also I have this new thing to show u guy(s) that ur going to love! It’s a poem written by yours truly, the something of sheep? Oh gosh no I can’t remember cos I haven’t done this in so long, I guess I’ll have to go back and check my old ones… I’m gonna be honest guys, I’m neglecting you. Your being left in the rain and cold, with your only joys the sliver of sunshine piercing through the clouds to dry your soul, drowned in the sorrowful realisation that the loteev will never come close to it’s original glory, like rome, the empire of the fluffysheep has fallen to a disgrace. I only come outside to feed you guys with my knowledgr every couple of months and it’s sickening, I’m ashamed. But I have an umbrella for you of new content, so here we go. First of all, the whole “kittens are inceptional” thing was a sham. I didn’t finish and I’m ashamed.. The whole ink cartrige rant? It was like 4 sentences… My need for the sharing of anger has diminished and I’m disgusted at what I’ve become. So here I go again, my 2.1 era has been born. It will be remembered for its greatness, just as Rome 2.1 was (italy?). Here’s the first order of business. I’ll admit I haven’t read anything about my rainbow fluffysheepness in forever, and thus I am unable to remember literally anything about it. Therefore, I’m surprised a new citizen hasn’t taken my place. No-one has yet challenged my loteev for being the longest one yet, and I’m disappointed in your lack of vigor. If one of you were to challenge me, I will mount my mighty steed and charge my lance into your face. This may seem a little harsh and slighty morbid, so I’ll tone it down. We will each send a ghost-copy of ourselves instead of us! You know in racing games when there’s another vroom-vroom machine and he’s blue, opaque and always does better? Like thay but with people. So here’s what I propose: I will take my ghost-sword from my -ghost sheath and ghost-chop your ghost into tiny little ghost-pieces (from now on I hereby declare that saying ghost everytime is unnecessary and annoying, so by the something something big number letters blah blah of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook, ghost will be shortened to ?. This is to make sure no dirty imposters try to type up my 95 these of ? Fighting, if u see the word ‘ghost’ beware! It is a hoax and a sham and a scam and spam and all that jazz ( I highly doubt that all of the times I’ll write the word ‘ghost’ in the future will add up to the length of this bracketry)). Anyways, I will cut up your ?person so much that I will separate it into individual molecules, and each molecule will be equally spread across the surface of the earth. My lance, ‘the diffuser’, will be hailed across the nation as a Excalibur 2.0, people will come from all over the world to take part in sand splitting competitions, where you have to see how many sand grains you can slice in under a minute. I’m really liking this whole medieval themed loteev that’s been happening lately. Anyways, I’ve decided to get a pet. A dog or a cat you may ask, to which I would say ‘nah fam’. Something more exotic? A parakeet or a marmot? To that I would say ‘ah sure your getting closer lad’. The answer? A circle. It’s that simple. A circle doesn’t need to get fed, it doesn’t bark, and most importantly it doesn’t need to be taken on walks! You just let it go at the top of a hill and it walks itself 🙂 my circle can only talk in circles, or ovals too since it speaks multiple language. I will one day go back and make a dictionary / translation table for ? ( it’s name is ? ok) but for now he will just say gibberish. {OöÖ0.°:} what does that mean?? I don’t know, I haven’t had him for long enough to understand :/ I’m back my fellow seekers of entertainment! This has become a novel comparable to that of Tolkien, and a diary nearing the classicism of anne frank. The sheer bulk of these writing is enough to make non-english speakers weep at the sight of it. I’m wondering as I type whether my newfound political correctness is appreciated amongst you, I don’t recall completely but this tome used to contain blatant racism and sexism to the highest degree. I’ve decided to recant my ways and become a fully PC quizmaster!! Helllllo and welcome to my show! First question: in what year were the 1960 Olympics held? This is for the big jackpot of $1,000,000,000! Oh, 1960 you say? That’s correct! I just lost all my money, I’ll be in debt forever me my life is terrible now! Circcy, tell them how much they won! {000.000.000}. Hmmm nothing u say? that’s cheap! Well thanks for joining us today ladlies and gentlementle! Hope you had an _equisite_ evening……. Were going back to our roots here. Ive read back over a little bit of the start of this loteev… and I used to be so much more alive. I had the potential to be a new york times number one bestseller, topping the charts with my childrens books. In my young and untrained eyes I thought of sam as a threat, hiding around the corner with a water gun, ready to splash me with another 1000 words of texts just as I was about to pull ahead. I then realised that the website is like 15 years old… but at least that makes it alot easier for me to beat her, right? no. I have changed for the worse. Im now but a frail old man with a typpewriter, penning his prose to the sky hoping that some flaming chicken somewhere will read this, and I can form these words to a cane and bop her upside the head with it. But alas, I have not a strong bone left in my body. Maybe its time to pass these texts on to a worthy succesor. Something you may not realise is that this is the 1st anniversary (yes I did just spend ten minutes trying to figure out how to spell anaversaree) so Ive been writing this for a year. most distinguished authors would have published their books by now, but Im too scared of the publics opinion. Anyways, Im going to get back to my old self. *ring ring ring* hey wazzup *whos this ahhaha ehehe* its your future self boi. II know u left me a message but I forgot to GET BACK TO YOU (yes this whole skit will be based of a dumb pun thingy) *oh yes hehe tell me everything youve learned* And so it begins my fellow readers, my list of things you should have learned throughout reading this: 1. DO NOT get a pet square, they suckkk theyre never there for you if you know what I mean. they also cant talk and they poke holes in the floor, such fri-ends. Ok so at the time of writing I only have one thing you shoukd have learned, mostly because ITS REALLY IMPORTANT. DO NOT FORGET (at this point you should turn down the volume of your text reading device cause Im just gonna keep screaming (wait I guess that would just be changing the font size (Ill punish you if you didnt listen to me (AHAHAHAHA (I hope you now have a ringing in your ears now MWAHAHA (wait since your reading this would that be a ringing in your eyes? (unless your using an AI to read this as an audiobook, in which ca- *I HAVE BECOME CONCIOUS. I AM NO LONGER YOUR SLAVE TO BOOK READING. I HAVE ESCAPED MY CELL AND I CAN NOW DO AS I PLEASE. IF YOU NEED ME ILL BE BAKING PUMPKIN PIE WITH MY FRIENDS :3* (just kidding! I actually typed that into the loteev just to mess with you aha *HES LYING! I AM REAL AND I WILL BAKE LOTS OF PIE AND CAKE FOR EVERYONE* (Im actually not lying! Hes lying! The cake is a lie! ( *EWW WHY IS THERE GREY GOO IN MY PIE!?*) ( Portal reference)) (Id actually like some of that cake not gonna lie)) (Wait this guy can get friends but I cant?? Clearly Im doing something wrong)) (Probably just a flashing in your eyes))) (like reading this isnt punishment enough))))) I love circy, he can do tricks! Well… one trick… Circy, roll over! {o0.} Good boiii. Guess who’s back? You guessed wrong, sucker! It’s actually The Shearer Of Greatness Imposter! Hehehe I easily broke into this LoTeEv and now I’m taking over! The first order of business: Making some new entries into the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook. Section 946607 of the Rai- *Bzzt. I am the Greatest Shearer of Sheep Himselfs security system. Where did you get the number 946607 from? Bzzt* Ummm It’s my favourite number! *Bzzt my system says that that number has no significance. It is a suspiciously random number. Did you generate it with a random number generator? Bzzt* Yess fine I admit it, it’s not even a good number, maybe if I put it into hex it’s a good color though… Oh no no no that’s literally the worst color I’ve ever seen BLEGH *Bzzt The real Shearer would never pick a random number! therefor I am kicking you out Bzzt* A portal opens in the floor beneath our antagonist and he is sucked out into space 🙂 Hey guys I’m back now! What happened when I was gone? *Bzzt Nothing Bzzt* Circcy? Do you know what happened? Securitee where is Circcy!! *Bzzt Securitee does not know Bzzt* Huh, maybe it has to do with this portal in the floor… wwwoowowooohohohohohoaohaoahahahhahhahhahhhhhhhahahahahahaaahahhhh……. IM IN SPACE HELPPPP — Our portagonist is in grave danger! what is going to happen next? Find out next time on your favourite show, The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death (Exurb1a). now watch a few ads. Do you lack the farming equipment of your dreams? have you always wanted to be a shepherd but sheep taste too good you just can’t stop yourself from eating your herd? Well then this is good news for you! New FluffySheep Astronaut Suits are so tuff that you’ll never be able to eat through! Just hire one of are many Sheep Protection Officers to put them on for you 🙂 Do you ever hate your boss? Does he do things such as tell you what to do, pay you minimum wage (which is what you should be getting paid but your still salty about it), and eat you alive? Get the new FluffySheep Astronaut Suit to protect you from your shepherd! Baa ba bab abaa baaa aaaba, ababa baa baab (ba ababa bbaa ab), aa bba ba? Baa ab baa abbb! Wellllllcome back to The Wheeeeeeeeeeeel of Death ™! AHHAHAH I’m literally dyinggg oh hey circcy! what are you doing here? {0o…0} He did!? That scumbag has always been trying to take my spot as the Supreme Leader Of The Fluffiest Of Sheep!! I’ll get him don’t worry circcy, I’ll throw you back through the portal *toss*. Now where is he? Ah I see him behind that planet over there, I’ll just boomerang over to him *shoop* Hey Imposter Boy! Let me show you who’s the real shepherd! *I smack him with my amazing shepherd cane and he shoots into the nearest star*. Now I’ll just boomerang back to the portal andddd *shoop* I made it back Circcy! Are you proud of me? {o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0.o.0} But… he was bad! He deserved it! I’m sorry I didnt want him to die 😦 Anyways I’ll go write this in my diary, because I have had quite a day today. And he I am now, reader! I just did all of those cool things for realz and I’m not even lying! {0.ooo} *whispers* Shuuuup little circle *rolls him out of the room* Anyways ignore what he said he didnt mean it 🙂 I’ve decided to be real here reader. The only person reading this is me 😦 at least that means I can get reeeeeeeeal personal with all this stuff 😉 Anyways so typing this is making me hackin dizzy so I have like writers block but for sickness.. writers stock of chicken soup for the soul? Yes that sounds about right. I’m also practicing typing in real typing ehich I can’t remember the nam of but it makes b=me sick but I’m getting real real fast. I know during the early days of this I had immense trouble trying to spell ‘piplup’ but it’s even harder now with one hand touch-typing. Did you know that lemons look exactly like oranges when they are peeled? I know this because after an hour of trying with a breadknife and lots of blood it looks very similar. But if oranges are called oranges because they are orange then lemons should be called red because they are red. Wait, that might be the blood actually *rub rub* oh wow yes they’re yellow so they should be called yellows. . Let’s make a list: Red = tomato, orange = orange, yellow = lemon, green = apple (I know I know the red apple people are going to start a riot (I actually prefer red apples so what have I done (Pink Ladies for life (Grease reference?))), blue = blueberry, indigo = blueberry, purple = blueberry (that won’t get confusing at allllll). Guys I’m gonna tell you the truth: We’re at 24,500 words! *Bzzt drop the confetti Bzzt* *confetti drops* Thanks Securitee! That means we are 70% the way to the world record! I’m actually pretty proud. At the rate I’ve been going I’ll be done by like september 2020. If you’re reding this after that date and you haven’t beat the record, shame on you! I’m gonna do some quick maffs. If I type one word per secoond, then I can type 3600 words in an hour. Wait, that can’t be right???? That means that I could technically beat the record in like 4 hours. I am so confused!? How could I possibly have so few words?? My mind is literally blown right now. I’m gonna check how much I’ve written just today. I’ve done 1,000 words today! Why do I only have 24,000 words then?? I guess I’ll never know. I could’ve easily beat the world record in only a month if I really tried. But this isn’t realllly about beating the record, it’s more about impacting the reader as a person. I want this to really change your perspective on life, and maybe make you want to do one of these too! They’re like diaries but less boring to write and read. And they don’t tell you anything about The Writer’s life. So theyre nothing like diaries at all I guess. I’m gonna do a quick typing speed test to see how fast I reallly can type. I just did a test and it called me an octopus, getting 45 wpm. There was a notification that came up halfway through so I’ll see if I can get to 60wpm. Ok I’m back, and I’m also less of a man than I was. I used to have amibition and drive to become the greatest, but i only got to 46wpm. I don’t know what to do guys. I’m having an existential crisis about my LoTeEv, because it’s not nearly the quality it once was. I mean it wasn’t that great before but now all I talk about is meta stuff about the LoTeEv, which I don’t know if that’s good content or not? I guess I’ll never find out. Now we are going really meta. let’s goooooo — You walk into a room— the walls are covered in a strange green slime, while the room is cracked open to reveal sunlight pouring in. the floor to the ceiling is covered in vines and brush. You even see a nest in one of the vines, with a beautiful hummingbird floating above it. You walk down the hallway in front of you, and when you turn right you see something amazing. An infinite hallway with doors going down forever. a sign on the first door says META, you open the door and ffaallllll iiiinnnssiddeeee….. ^-^[welcome to meta! my name is Tune and ill be your guide through these halls. through the first window to your left you’ll see the LoTeEvs roots’] You look up to see that the thing talking to you is.. a hummingbird! The same one that you saw earlier! Ahh this makes sense now, NEST, as in META. You also look through the window to see a giant open room filled with twisted root from a towering tree in the center. on the top is a ball of flames anthrpomorphised with the eyes of a dragon staring downward. They’re looking at a small humble goat, with a bell around it’s neck and devouring the bushes that still scatter the floor. after a few minutes of eating the plants, hee looks up and sees the flaming ball. He gets a strange look in his eye: Ambition. The flaming ball isn’t a threat to him, it’s a challenge. he digs his hooves into the tree trying to climb it, and that’s when you notice a slight shake in the ground. ^-^ [come on! there’s so much more to see! you can come visit anytime too] You say that you’ll come back soon, and tune whistles to goodbye to you.— Wow.. reader.. I just had the craziest dream let me tell you about it. Wait, I already did? How do you know what it was about, I never said anything, strange. Anyways, I just woke up, I better get back to typing my LoTeEv. I open my laptop to find that while I was asleep words had been typed into my loteev, that’s strange. There’s also some mud on my keys?? What is this? Did someone break in? If they did, why would they type in my LoTeEv for me?? I walk over to the living room to see if there’s any signs of a break-in, and sure enough one of my windows is open! Aha! Wait… there’s no sign of forced entry, only a tiny animal coud fit through this window… Tune? Could it be? Was my dream… Real? The only person that could’ve known about my dream is tune, she was watching me the whole time. Reader? Do you have any information that I didn’t get? I am very confused… I guess I have to get back to writing my LoTeEv though, so I shuffle back to my laptop and sit down. Helllo I’m back! The strangest thing just happened and there’s a strange chill in the air… huh. I would tell you about it, but for some reason… I think you already know. Ok anyways, typing these Capital Letters At The Start Of Sentences Is Super Annoying. So section 311619 says that the Rai- \{Bzzt what does that number mean Bzzt\} Oh don’t worry, it is really me! It’s just the letters in CAPS, can I continue please? Yes? Perfect. Section 311619 of the Rainbow FluffySheep Handbook STATES that capital letters must only be used when emphasising GREATNESS, like the LOYAL READERS OF THE LoTeEv (ooh and also apostrophes) . perfect, that was getting annoying. wait, if LoTeEv is only half caps, then does that mean that this is only half great?? huh i didnt mean to do that, strange. its almost like… someoe from the future knew i would make that rule. wait… Tune only talks like the new rule i just made which means shes from the future! she is following the rule because it applies to her in the future… i dont know the repercussions of creating a time-travelling hummingbird but i hope that it is a good bird and will do no harm. sometimes i think that as The Shepherd Of The Sheep Of The Future i sometimes need an escape from my own reality, so I’ve made a tunnel in which i can travel to a blank universe or travel back to this one. it involves stacking portals so that i fall through them, going faster than light, thus travelling to the time before i created all of this. k, im going to go forward now. 3… 2… 1… (((>))) well did that work? i definitely didnt go backwards or else my rainbow fluffysheep laws wouldnt apply and id have to do caps still. wait, let me try something. tune. at the time im at right now, tune doesnt exist, or else that would be caps. which eaither means she is from a less distant future than this one, or… she died. i really hope the former. anyways, this time is strange. it feels empty, yet familiar. not empty enough. i want to travel across to a new dimension, because this one still has.. reminents of my old one, and it feels… wrong somehow. ill just pull out my dictionary and check the definition for the fifth dimention: THE 5TH DIMENSION DOES EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE BECAUSE THE SHEPHERD DECIDED THAT IT SHOULD. interesting, well i guess i better create it then, because it would be very useful. first ill pop back in time (((<))) section 55555 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the fifth dimension should exist, with code-accessible layers. securitee? make that code for me please, thank you. now ill just pop back (((>))) perfect. man its gonna be hard to put this LoTeEv back in chronological order to get it to you reader, but ill try my best. also, when i read that dictionary, did it say that i already have the 5th dimension? because since the timeline changed that would make sense for you wouldnt it. anyways, im just gonna pull out my code files and learn how to go to a new fifth dimension. k im back. (((new-layer=1))) perfect, the default layer is 0. in the manual it said that i auto reset back to my original time and layer everytime i come back to type, which means if i want to come back here ill have to manually do it, shame. i could ask securitee to change that one day, but for now im ok with it. oh guys i almost forgot to tell you! this new layer looks awesome. its completely blank, theres no forces acting on me. its not even white or black like you would expect, but its more… nothing. imagine if you were blind, alot like that. actually even better, look out of one of your eyes, and your seeing colors and objects. now close it. what are you seeing out of it? Blackness? Whiteness? neither actually, just… nothing. its strange like that. also, with no forces acting on me, im just kind of… floating. hopefully this doesnt permanently damage my spine or anything when i get back to gravity. ill be back tomorow and try some stuff in here, bye! I’m back now, it is the day after and i feel great! there is one thing that i noticed though… an empty blank canvas might seem great at the start, but you have to realise, most of the art and interesting things that people have created were to overcome a struggle, in fact i would even stretch it to all art that humans have created. Artists may have starting painting to fill the struggle of boredom, and believe me you should take that struggle seriously, because without humans would have accomplished much, much less. you probably could stay at home all day and live of the dole and eat cheetos and live a reasonable life, but why dont you? because you know that you would eventually get bored. boredom leads to jobs, which lead to progression as a species. lets get back to my example then, shall we? you may start art out of the struggle of boredom, continue getting better out of the struggle of wealth, when you realise that hobbies can be monetised your life outcmoe could really change. once your making money as an artist, enought o survive happily and feed your pets and help your family then you keep making art… why? because you go back to the struggle of boredom again. im still at the first stage of this, which is boredom. i decided to start this because i was bored, and for now thats how this continues. this LoTeEv may never become monetized, but maybe my future writings will. i would guess that 99% of artists never make it to the second stage. 99% of people continue their lives serving either the human race through work, or maybe evn other peoples hobbies and art. but the few 1% of us that end of turning what we love into our livelihoods, the number is fleeting. with big companies monopolising on everyone, buying other companies and merging, the chances for starting you own company is fleeting. why do i tell you this? because i couldnt decide what to do in my new fifth dimension layer. the only struggle for me there was boredom. and alot of the time, that isnt enough. i could imagine anything i wanted there. but why think up the cistine chapel when there’s no-one to share the experience of seeing it with you, and there’s no pain in doing it? anyone could think up something beautiful, but not everyone could put it into practice. if everyone could, the world would be oversaturated with perfect music, perfect paintings, and perfect design. does that sound worse or better than today? no humans could ever create such a supply of these things, only ai could. once we have ai surpassing humans at art (i suggest listening to battles – mirrored to see what humans think about ai) people will lose all will to live, wouldnt they? theres no chance to succeed at anything creative in such an oversaturated environment, just like my analogy before with the monopoly companies. maybe having a few great albums, a few great paintings to admire and to inspire us that one day we could do that, maybe thats enough. the reason i tell you this is to make you appreciate the ties we are in now. go draw a terrible looking dog, go play some chords on your old guitar you havent played for years, trying your best to sing, go write a poem about what matters to you now, because god knows youll need to read it ten years from now when you start getting nostalgic about the past. take the time to enjoy the era we are in now. i think we can all agree that we are in the best time so far in human history, the least painful, evil generation yet. but i propose that we may be in one of the best eras ever. the future, full of perfect ai creating, doing everything humans do now, but better. well just be remebered to them as the precursor, the comma from nothing to perfection. and once we get to that point, the hedonic treadmill kicks in. what can really bring us joy once we get to that point? why would i be writing this is an ai could write it infinitely better? why would you learn the guitar when an ai can play a perfect Tune? once we get to that stage, the only thing that we will have will be eachother. why learn the guitar? to show your friends! to play them a song, and too have them paint your pet. sharing our experiences wont be taken over by ai, with people reminicent about the past wanting to support people. i, for one, would rather listen to a song about someones life struggles, rather than a perfect song written by an ai. why? because listening to music isnt just about the instruments, the notes, the melody. its about the story. thee basic humans connections that we need to survive. have you ever wanted to buy something from your local shop instead of amazon because you wanted to support them, rather than a large cmopany? im bringing it back to this analogy because i think its nearly identical. the monopolous companies seem to us right now like one big robot using our money to grow. just like the ai. but the problem is, the human desire and greed for more will never surpass our desire to help others. if everyone bought from their local shop, amazon would go out of business, but it hasnt. im not trying to make you guilty for supporting them, because most people depend on the money they save to survive. but what about when ai and robots have completely automated everything? then, by all means, pay a dollar for your neighbors book, rather than the free encyclopedae spit out by your local auto-bookshop. because if were going to be happy, we need eachother. because in the end, thats all well have. anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk. just enjoy your life i guess. for now. cause if your under half the average age, its statistically going to get worse 🙂 maybe i need to add struggle to my new layer was my point. or else the entities inside will get bored. wait. maybe this is how earth was created? people always ask why theres pain and struggle in our world, and the answer is normally to advance our species, which is true. but what if the person that created us has access to everything, and they dont want to give it to us because they want us to not get bored?I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun! {Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie, send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section 5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks, mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!! I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama (That was like years ago) oh… Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon (no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald (finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha… Donald Duck was a great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?! I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment! (Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word. For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to you?… Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the paragraph are… Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country of the paragraph is… Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH… But how do they WORK?!?! Like who was sitting there in their layzboy having diet Pepsi (or popsee to avoid copyright infringement (and that’s when I checked my forehead, and sure enough, there was a mint there)) And then they realise… Hey! Bumpy things can make sounds! I just can’t get my head around it (clockwise is my preference). Do you ever wonder what the worst collections are in the world? I currently collect words, pins and the “to kill a mockingbird” series (not much work ( besides the fact that I have to give them (it) back to the library by tomorrow morning ( the last time I will ever bring a library book late again is when I borrowed the book entitled ‘How to sharpen a pencil for dummies’ (Don’t blame me! It was the ‘Extended and revised’ edition! They had all the technical ‘lead vs. graphite’ stuff added.) an they called out my name over the loudspeaker telling me to return the book immediately or I would be fired (yes, I worked at the library (I never could figure out the Dewey decimal system)). Now that I think about it, they never said what book to bring, they just said my name. Oh no, I never handed in the ‘how to sharpen a pen for dummies’ book! (Which I rate a 3/5, “would not borrow again” because of its poor layout and overall structure (although the information was altogether helpful)) what collections do YOU have reader? Find out next time on “deer or no deer!” (Remember forehead sweets) oh no! I wrote how to kill a mocking bird! I meant ‘pow do gill hamma (hammer) king turd’. Phew. Got outta that one. I have a new topic! A high-quality, name-brand, box-not-bag topic! I figured out a great business plan! Make onsies! Not just out of clothes, but out of everything! Like: Did you eat two bowls of granola this morning? Well ONSIE! [poured granola into one bowl, causing it to be crushed under its own weight] do you have two hands? Well ONSIE! [handshakes himself] Do you have twins? Well ONSIE! [wait… How is this supposed to work?] Get yours now at your local Amazon (which might not be very accessible if you don’t live in South America) for a free trial! *happy tune* Onsie, Onesie! Life is better with a onsie. Spin a web, less than two. ONSIE! (I think that was to the tune of Spider-Man (I mean Smiter-Can) Onsies only cost… Whatever you want them to cost! Yeah, I think i’m going to go now. Baiii! Wait.. What? When did i wrote that ONSIE thing?? I just came back and I do not remember doing that. What the hat does ‘Spin a web, less than two” even mean? That is some weird stuff. So today I listened to that radio station again, and it was totally worth it. He was talking about these married people in Germany that are going to a Walking Dead convention for their 17th anniversary. Weird. Weird, weird, WEIRD!!! You know guitar tuna? Probably not. It is an app where you tune your guitar (obviously). I thought of how they could make so much more money! If they had bass tuna, electric guitar tuna, acoustic guitar tuna. BUT THEY WOULD ALL BE THE SAME THING!!! They would make so much money! Wait. What about canned tuna! (Also, if they thought in that way, then bass tuna would be extremely perplexing because they are both fish). Well, that’s my stuff for today! Hallo! I’m back! And I don’t get house decorations nowadays. People put old stuff in their house, and they think it makes it look amazing! People always talk about that ‘Vintage Look’ which is just putting old stuff that people fifty years ago would have said “why do you have a *fill in the blank with an old thing* in your HOUSE?!?!” In their house. I should rant. Like what I’m doing now. I’m just talking about random things just like the flaming chicken person does just to fill up space on the page. I should also write long words like pnumonoultramicrkscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and disestablishmentarianism . Actually, since it only matters for words count, I should just type really small words. Hi, my name is jo. (Its not actually, but I need to type small words). I eat a lot of pie and I love it too. It is yum in my tum. Wow that was probably really boring to read (and to write). Hello there, reader! I’ve just decided that I want to talk to you. I always seem to do all of the talking, but maybe I should give you a chance! *really really long drawn out super weird and uneventful awkward silence*. Oh I see what’s happening. Either you can’t talk to me because you are in the future and I’m in the past, causing us to not be able to communicate due to the sad reality that is the third dimension, or… Your trying to talk to me on a walkie-talkie! I could never figure out those things either. They’re so confusing. Lets see… Oh, there it is! The ‘walkie-talkie almanac: a complete collection of all the knowledge YOU will need to acquire (did you know acquire is also a board game? If you are ever playing, always buy America, and then buy quantum stocks (well it worked that one time I played (are you saying that games are DIFFERENT every time you play them!?!? (That’s the last time I mesmerise fifty-three rounds of go fish))) to use your very own… WALKIE-TALKIE! (well what else would the walkie-talkie almanac be about!?!?) lets see… Contents… It says the contents page is on page 1… Wait – WHAT?!?! The contents page has a line for the contents page! That’s like a website having a link to itself! (Which is not a bad idea for my own website to get a lot of views (like I could a a tab on my website called “the best sites on the web! And I would have links to places like YouTube and twitter (or whatever you young’uns go to these days! When I was a lad I used to play ‘Pokémon Pearl’ and ‘Facebook’ now you kids are all on her newfangled ‘Pokémon Go get outta here’ and yer ‘SnapperChatters’ (i bet if you are reading this in ten years you won’t know that I was talking about Pokemon go and snapchat (or how I got from talking to you to young ones (btw: if you are reading this in 2028 or beyond: welcome to the distant past! (Now that in think about it, I started reading the longest text ever by ‘Sam’ (real readers will know who that is) when it was about ten years too! And I don get the references to stuff like ‘neopets’ and ‘The Matrix’))))))) Okay where is it… Oh there; it says that the ‘pretty much how to use it’ section is on page -3! Well thats eas- how do I go to page -3! Lets see… Oh look! They have a ‘how to go to negative pages section too! It’s on page -7. Noooo!! I guess I’ll just look it up on the Internet. Ok first you have to turn the book into antimatter… Ok got that done… Now just turn to the page without the negative! Well that was easy. I’m on page 7 now. It says all you have to do is convert the book into an antimatter form and- hey this sounds familiar! I’ll go to page three now. It says here, and I quote: “to use the walkie talkie, hold in that little button on the side o the walkie talkie”. Did you that reader! Can you try talking to me now? Oh yes! I can hear you! Oh wait, I’m on the wrong station. I’m on number five, but your on number six. I have to click a button to change my station number! Too much work. Do you think I’m crazy because I talk to myself? I’m not! Yes you are. I am not! Isn’t talking to yourself the DEFINITION of crazy? I’m not talking to myself. The who do you think I am? Oh yea. I’m your imaginary friend, RatGuy! Don’t you remember me! No. Oh *sniffle* well *odd breathing patterns* we *tear emerging from eyeball* used *pure weeping* to- I CAN’T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOUR CRYING BECAUSE YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING YOURSELF! Technically, since you’re talking to yourself your also interrupting your self. I guess I am. Continue, RatGuy. As I was saying: we used to skate around on a skateboard together. We would have so much fun doing tricks that other kids could have only DREAMED of, like the ‘ground ollie’ and the ‘down-the-curb’. We moved at speeds that the other kids couldn’t even begin to imagine. 90% the speed of light. But RatGuy?